Thursday, February 14, 2013
This holds true when you decide to work out.
I got into a pretty good rhythm. I would wake up before work and run using the Couch to 5K program. Then after work, I'd come home and unwind with a thirty-minute yoga session.
I was feeling great.
Then the depression came back. My medication was upped and I wasn't able to wake up that early anymore. I tried. My alarm would go off at 5:15am and I'd roll over and turn it off. I couldn't see straight. There was no way I could run like that.
Then my medication was lowered back to where it was and a new medication was prescribed. Now I'm dealing with one pill that gives me insomnia and the other that makes me want to pass out. I struggle with getting to sleep and so I also struggle with waking up in the morning.
I haven't cried in a while. I don't know if it's because my body is just over the act of doing so or if there's nothing left in me, or maybe I've graduated to full on anger as opposed to part-time anger.
I'm angry. Holy shit, am I angry.
It's not the type of angry that builds either.
If I don't like how something is going, I snap. Instantly. People are scared of that but they're also over it too. Like, why can't she just control her emotions kind of over it.
It's partially the bipolar disorder itself and partly the medication which elevates it.
I'm mad at myself because I stopped working out completely. I know I feel better when I do it but depression makes you take a step back and evaluate things but at the same time, it rules all so it doesn't really matter what you want to do. It's what it's letting you do.
I'm not trying to make excuses. I honestly just can't do it.
For a while, I lost my appetite so it was kind of okay that I wasn't working out because I wasn't going to be gaining any weight due to lack of eating anyway. Then the depression dropped a few notches into the "worse" category and so I started eating for comfort. Today the waist on my jeans is a little more snug than it was three weeks ago when I was running.
I do the calculations and realize how far I would be in the C25K program had I stuck with it. And that pisses me off even more than ever.
I don't care who you are...keeping up with a workout regimen while in the depths of despair is tough as shit.
Then I think that once I'm out of the woods, I'll start back up again. Then the thought gets knocked down flat right away because---the depression will be back, not that it's completely gone away this round. I don't know when but it's coming. And it's going to last even longer next time.
So that's where I'm at. I'm tangled in this web that bipolar disorder created for me and with every movement, I sink a little deeper.
I'm not as excited as I once was about certain things. And that completely fucking sucks.
Right now I'm walking the tightrope and my balance is shifty.
I'm not sure when the rope is going to stop wiggling so I can make it across.