This ride has ended.

Last night I managed to choke down my final Lithium pill.

It's the last time I'll feel like I swallowed blood chased by a glass of lemonade or something equally as strong {wine}.

The dose I've been on for the past week hasn't been therapeutic but I took it to sustain the weaning process.

I'm so glad this is over.

For the most part, my head is clear with only spouts of fogginess here and there. The side-effects have been gone for some time.

What happens next? I don't know. I'm not going to panic unless I have to and right now I'm not panicking. I'd like to keep it that way.

I got my brand new yoga dvd in the mail yesterday evening. The sessions are short so I can fit at least one a day in and if I'm feeling nuts, I'll do a few back to back. I know, I live on the edge.

The biggest problem I face on the daily is work. From 8 in the morning until 4 in the evening, I sit behind my desk in my own office and twiddle my thumbs. I have work to complete, but I'm usually finished by 9 at the latest and then I sit some more. I'm happy to have a job, I know so many who aren't working, it's just the down time right now that's working me over. I like projects. I like to use my creativity. I get none of that here. This is the longest I've ever been with a company, 6 years this September. My skin is itching and no matter how long I scratch, it doesn't go away.

By the time I make it home, I'm moody and don't want to do anything there. I force myself to cook and that's about it. It's really messing with all kinds of mojo.

I close by saying, for the most part, I'm content. I'm proud to be med-free. I'm okay.

Weaning update #6? I'm losing count.

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey."

Kenji Miyazawa

My head has been swirling so much this past week.

I went back and read my journal from when I was hospitalized for ECT treatments. It made the swirling go a little faster. I was going to post a snippet or two but decided it wouldn't be a good idea.

How's the weaning? It's okay. I'm in my final week of getting off the Lithium. That's not to say I've been doing okay the whole time. The tears still fall, intrusive thoughts invade and I push away the unwanted. Well, as much as I am able.

A big weekend is ahead. My middle son turns 13 on Sunday. This means two teens in my household. It has already been difficult but this just makes it official. Monday is my birthday. I don't care much for my birthday but I'll be 35 whether I celebrate it or not.

We have a weekend of eating out, bbq'ing at home and playing outside ahead. A walk on the beach after the sun goes down would be lovely. I hope the Florida weather cooperates and offers some much needed shade.

Happy Memorial Day weekend! Thank you all for being there for me.

love-love-love

Weaning update #5

Now I'm in a state of confusion I can't seem to shake.

My doctor called me a short while ago. He's suggesting one of two drugs (before weaning completely). One I've tried already. He thinks I was on it with an antidepressant at the time (I don't know why his computer can't tell him for sure) and that by itself, it could work wonders. The other option is Seroquel. I'm dead against this. The things I've heard, the stories I've read, GAH! I won't take that drug. No more anti-psychotics!

I told him I'd like to finish weaning. One more week. At that point, I'll see how I feel and we'll go from there. His response was for me to bring him some drug names. Huh? I turn two down and now it's my job to do the research?

He's concerned with my anger and mood instability. I get that. Hell, so am I. What's the point of coming off the drugs if you're going to stuff new ones down my throat immediately?

I don't want to be dizzy, exhausted, feel like my IQ had been demolished, I could go on with the side effects I don't want to deal with. Ever again!

So now I don't know what to do. Frankly, I'm tired of being tired of dealing with all this shit. I want my normal self back. Fuck being Bipolar. Fuck mental illness. Fuck it all.

Weaning update #4

Why the fuck am I doing this anyway?

Seems like all I'm doing is suffering.

Left a message yesterday for my doctor with how I'm doing. No call back. Whatever.

I feel like I want to kick things. Break glass. Cut my skin until nothing is visible through the river of red.

I'm so fucking angry on so many levels.

What a pointless thing to do I'm beginning to learn.

Weaning update #3

I feel sorry for my family. I have all this anger and I'm snapping at all of them. They don't deserve any of that and I don't deserve to have all this anger to begin with.

I'm still tired but not fall down tired. The dizziness seems to have made its exit. On occasion, if I move too fast, it's there but not like it was.

Today is my 8th day of going cold turkey from one pill and my 6th day of weaning from Lithium. No intrusive thoughts, just guilt. Guilt that I don't want to do a damn thing anymore. I feel like I've lost my purpose for life.

I want to want to do things, but I don't. It's sad. What kind of mother and wife am I to feel this way?

Weaning update #2

There's nothing I can do at this stage to make my appearance even a little bit pretty.

I'm too tired to apply makeup the right way and pretty much get dressed in the dark, since my eyes are closed.

The cold sweats linger and I wish they'd make an exit.

I hate feeling like a recovering junky but that's how I feel.

I'm very angry today for no apparent reason. Well, probably because I'd rather be sleeping than doing just about anything else. 

The weekend is within reach and I plan to make it a lazy one.

This is all I have for today...

Weaning update #1

I feel outside of myself, but so far I can handle it.

I ended up leaving my office yesterday at 1pm because I could hardly hold my head up. I work in a place where the people have been employed for over twenty years. They're old school. I have one person who I can run to, slam the door and bawl my eyes out to and he gets it. Or at least, he pretends really well to get it. I'm forever grateful to him for that.

There was a huge storm while I was driving home but when I finally made it, my husband pointed to the bed and I listened. I was asleep, on and off, until my alarm went off this morning.

Because I went cold turkey off the newest drug I'm already feeling the effects. Cold sweats, shakes, chills, headaches, roller coaster emotions, exhaustion. Sleep helps but sometimes when I close my eyes, the world spins faster.

The point here is that I'm surviving and fighting through it. Your support means the world to me.

Let the weaning process begin!

I stayed home from work yesterday. My body left me no choice. I was so dizzy that standing wasn't an option. Driving would have been an endangerment to myself and those around me.

Every two to three days this spell comes over me because of my latest medication. Well last night, I stopped taking it. I've timed it in the past and with enough caffeine, four hours usually takes care of how I'm feeling and I can go about my normal day. This didn't happen yesterday. By the time I went to bed for the night, shutting my eyes made the dizziness worse.

And it's not just the dizziness. I literally cannot lift my limbs in this state and have developed Carpal Tunnel in my right hand...a side effect that only a fraction of the people will experience when taking this drug. Lucky me. I honestly think that if I had stayed at my original dose I'd still be fine today. But we doubled it, then dosed it down a fraction in the end. It was too much for me. I'm very sensitive to medication of all sorts. 

Today I'm exhausted as hell but when I got to work and caught up with what I missed, I contacted Dr. M who I had an appointment with early this afternoon. I asked them to bump it up and they did. Ten minutes later I was in his office shaking with frustration.

"Why do drugs work for me for about three weeks and then take a turn for the worst?" 

He didn't have a clear-cut answer. Then I proposed going off all my medications. I was hesitant because I didn't think he would think it to be a good idea. He shocked me when he agreed.

"The break could do you some good!" He said. {I love my non-pill pushing psychiatrist!}

Since I'm still taking Lithium, I will begin the weaning process tonight. From 900mg to 600mg for a week, then down to 300mg and then, done! I'm to call him on Friday with an update on how I'm feeling. He said by then I'll know whether or not my brain can handle it. He will be on standby for me, prescription pad in hand, in case I need something quick.

This is by no means a recommendation to any of you to go off your meds. I am doing this strictly for my personal well being. Twenty pills in three years...need I say more? A short break and then we start over when the going gets tough.

I appreciate your support and will continue to update as the days pour forward.

Trust

My son calls her Big Bird. She stands at nearly three feet tall. Tall and gentle.

We had a Mother's Day bbq at my mom's and Big Bird joined the party. She stood and stared all the way through, waiting for scraps like a dog.

After dinner, I grabbed my camera to take a photo of the sunset. Big Bird followed. She was so trusting. I made a full circle around the house capturing photos of this beautiful creature.

It took me ouside of myself if only for five minutes. Just what my internal doctor ordered. Maybe there's more to having a pet than I thought when it comes to illness. I wonder if Big Bird would like to hang with me fulltime. Nah...but maybe a fish!

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A proposal to Dr. M

I've been thinking. Twenty different pills in three years is a lot of pills. Some of these pills gave me a good four weeks and then I go back to where I started, only it's usually worse. Much worse. Four weeks is not a lot of time and quite frankly, I'm ready to throw in the towel.

I go to my psychiatrist on Wednesday, Dr. M. He's an amazing doctor. He never gives up hope with me. Never will. I honestly think he views me as some pet project, which is fine by me since I keep his wheels turning and he keeps making me feel like one day, it's all going to be okay.

On Wednesday, I will propose to him that I wean off my medications over the course of several weeks then maybe give my body a break for a solid month. That's if I don't take a turn for the worst and go bat shit crazy before then. Maybe my body needs a break. Maybe a break will do me some good.

So that's what I'm going to ask. If he says no? I'll respect his opinion and hear him out.

These tears that decide to well up and pour out of my eyes with zero notice, it has to stop. This depression I've sunk back into, it needs to go. The all around negativity that floats above my head, I need it to move along. I want my happy back, or at least my steady as she goes "normal" behavior.

Thoughts?

The thing about Bipolar Disorder is...

...the ups are amazing. Fucktacular even. The downs? Not so much. But even worse than that? They can strike without warning.

Most of the time there are signs that a down is about to present itself. I'll stop smiling, become agitated, want to sleep when I shouldn't...these kinds of things.

After an amazing 3-4 weeks, at 3pm yesterday afternoon, I began to cry for absolutely no reason at all. I began to weep, uncontrollably, and it went on for about 2 hours. I took a nap when I got home from work, avoiding my husband and kids, and when I woke up I was instantly depressed. Just like that.

People want to know, is there anything I or they can do to help it so it goes away. The honest answer is no. I'm a lamp with a pull chain. When the darkness wants to completely take me over, mind-body-soul, it pulls the chain and the lights are out. How long? I wish I knew. It seems that when the darkness falls, it's lasting longer and longer each time.

I lose interest in just about everything I love as it possesses my core.

Yesterday morning while I was in the shower, I heard a bell, though it was in the distance it was clear as day. I was the only one awake in my side of the house. It scared the shit out of me because, what if I'm starting to hear things too? It should have been an alarm to what was to come later in the day. 

I'm at the office today, which doesn't help. A nice walk on the beach would be welcomed right now. I love to go down and listen to the ocean. I can sit and stare, with my toes getting gently lapped by the incoming waves, for hours. This huge body of water is natural therapy for me. I sit and sometimes cry, asking it to take this away. Just wash over me and sort out the bad from the good. The good I know that still exists beneath the surface. I beg.

I don't know what's happening. Perhaps I'm rapid cycling but I won't know that until my "up" returns. That usually happens within a few hours of the "down". So far, it doesn't seem like that's what's happening. So I'll wait. I have hope, lots of hope, because I know this isn't forever. There will be moments where I'll think it's forever because it feels like it.

I have a handful of people I reach out to when the going gets rough. Kendra, Kim, Charity...my online goddesses. Thanks for being there. Of course I have my husband and family as well, but there's nothing like turning to someone who's living the same thing.

Here's to breast exams, quick doctor appointments, and the Fairy Hobmother!

I'm having a really good morning. I met with my doctor today (my pcp, not my shrink) to go over some blood test results. She ended up checking out my girlie bits along with the rest of my annual physical. I enjoyed the one stop shopping. Not only that, but I was out of there within forty-five minutes. That's a record.

I walked back to my car with some spring in my step. When I got in my car and turned on the radio, The Foo Fighters were on. I'll admit, I'm not a big fan of their latest song, "These Days". Then I sat there for a moment and listened to the lyrics. It felt like someone was talking to me. It was a reminder that hey, you've made it this far. Your illness exists but you can put it to sleep. You're doing really well right now and let's continue along this path.

I turned up the volume and listened:

"These Days" off the Wasting Land album, by the Foo Fighters

One of these days the ground will drop out from beneath your feet
One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat
One of these days the clocks will stop and time won't mean a thing
One of these days their bombs will drop and silence everything

But it's alright
Yeah it's alright
I said it's alright

Easy for you to say
Your heart has never been broken
Your pride has never been stolen
Not yet not yet

One of these days
I bet your heart'll be broken
I bet your pride'll be stolen
I bet I bet I bet I bet
One of these days
One of these days

One of these days your eyes will close and pain will disappear
One of these days you will forget to hope and learn to fear

But it's alright
Yeah it's alright
I said it's alright

Easy for you to say
Your heart has never been broken
Your pride has never been stolen
Not yet not yet

One of these days
I bet your heart'll be broken
I bet your pride'll be stolen
I bet I bet I bet I bet
One of these days
One of these days

But it's alright
Yeah it's alright
I said it's alright
Yes it's alright

Don't say it's alright
Don't say it's alright
Don't say it's alright

One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat
But it's alright

Easy for you to say
Your heart has never been broken
Your pride has never been stolen
Not yet not yet

One of these days
I bet your heart will be broken
I bet your pride will be stolen
I bet I bet I bet I bet

One of these days
One of these days
One of these days 

***

From where I stand, all of these things did happen to me but I beat it. I beat it. Right back into its place.

When I arrived at work, I had an email with the subject line "Greetings from the Fairy Hobmother". Instantly I thought my spam filter was broken. Or something. I opened the email nonetheless and was greeted by Matthew Mitchell. He stopped by my blog, read a recent post, and in turn decided to bless me with a $50 gift voucher to use at Amazon. The catch? I'm to use it on something a bit useless and fun. Yeah, that'll be no problem. Being the mother to three boys who constantly need something, I don't get to do that very often. I accepted the gift and he made my day even more awesome.

So here's to a post where I don't bitch and complain and paint it black. Here's to a good day and to even better ones to come.

I killed a kitten. A small one. {It's a rhetorical fucking kitten, sheesh!}

So I'm at work yesterday pretending to work while actually reading Fifty Shades of Grey when my phone chimes with a retweet from a friend...

I laughed at first but then I died a little inside. This book if fucking good. Great actually. So I reply...

 Enough said on this Friday, yes?

Duality

Today is the two week mark that I've been on my new medication. One week ago, I upped the dose. Doubled it in fact. The next day I knew it was going to take some getting used to.

The shakes started up (benadryl fixed that part right up), nausea, showering was a chore because lifting my arms felt like twenty pound weights, and I was so tired. As of yesterday? I knew it was time to call these side effects in to my doctor because I was fighting off sleep for my drive to work. It was not safe.

He called me back and rather than go back to the original dose, we're going to compromise and go from 80 to 60mg. I pick it up today so we'll see what happens.

I'm still on the up though. I'm excited for that. Deep down, I know I'm waiting for the ball to drop on me. A ball made of steel. I've always got my radar on, always. At the same time, I'm really enjoying myself both at work and at home. I'm getting so much done yet nothing at all, because my mind is spinning every moment. I adore the fact that I feel this great.

I have quite the drive home from work each day and my CD player is broken. Yeah, I'm stuck with the radio. I work in one county and live in another so halfway home, I am forced to switch all the stations I listen to in order to get anything decent playing. Slip Knot came on one day and I was listening to the lyrics. Really listening. It came alive in my head and I was in awe. It described what I go through in my lowest of lows right down to the screaming.   

"Duality"

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, all I do is live with so much hate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
If the pain goes on...
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
I'm not gonna make it! 

“Duality” is a song by American heavy metal band Slipknot. The song is released as the first single from their third album Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses). 

It hits the nail right at the head, doesn't it fellow bipolars?

Florida {Behind the Lens}

In Florida the seasons change overnight. One minute you're wearing a sweatshirt and the next, wading in the ocean to cool off. It's just how it is. The scenery changes less rapidly and from the right angle, it's gorgeous no matter the season. Enjoy Florida, for today!

Pink

Canopy

Lonely Road

Florida Palms

Moss

Steeple

From the Mainland to the Ocean Blue