Friday, May 11, 2012
Most of the time there are signs that a down is about to present itself. I'll stop smiling, become agitated, want to sleep when I shouldn't...these kinds of things.
After an amazing 3-4 weeks, at 3pm yesterday afternoon, I began to cry for absolutely no reason at all. I began to weep, uncontrollably, and it went on for about 2 hours. I took a nap when I got home from work, avoiding my husband and kids, and when I woke up I was instantly depressed. Just like that.
People want to know, is there anything I or they can do to help it so it goes away. The honest answer is no. I'm a lamp with a pull chain. When the darkness wants to completely take me over, mind-body-soul, it pulls the chain and the lights are out. How long? I wish I knew. It seems that when the darkness falls, it's lasting longer and longer each time.
I lose interest in just about everything I love as it possesses my core.
Yesterday morning while I was in the shower, I heard a bell, though it was in the distance it was clear as day. I was the only one awake in my side of the house. It scared the shit out of me because, what if I'm starting to hear things too? It should have been an alarm to what was to come later in the day.
I'm at the office today, which doesn't help. A nice walk on the beach would be welcomed right now. I love to go down and listen to the ocean. I can sit and stare, with my toes getting gently lapped by the incoming waves, for hours. This huge body of water is natural therapy for me. I sit and sometimes cry, asking it to take this away. Just wash over me and sort out the bad from the good. The good I know that still exists beneath the surface. I beg.
I don't know what's happening. Perhaps I'm rapid cycling but I won't know that until my "up" returns. That usually happens within a few hours of the "down". So far, it doesn't seem like that's what's happening. So I'll wait. I have hope, lots of hope, because I know this isn't forever. There will be moments where I'll think it's forever because it feels like it.
I have a handful of people I reach out to when the going gets rough. Kendra, Kim, Charity...my online goddesses. Thanks for being there. Of course I have my husband and family as well, but there's nothing like turning to someone who's living the same thing.