Duality

Today is the two week mark that I've been on my new medication. One week ago, I upped the dose. Doubled it in fact. The next day I knew it was going to take some getting used to.

The shakes started up (benadryl fixed that part right up), nausea, showering was a chore because lifting my arms felt like twenty pound weights, and I was so tired. As of yesterday? I knew it was time to call these side effects in to my doctor because I was fighting off sleep for my drive to work. It was not safe.

He called me back and rather than go back to the original dose, we're going to compromise and go from 80 to 60mg. I pick it up today so we'll see what happens.

I'm still on the up though. I'm excited for that. Deep down, I know I'm waiting for the ball to drop on me. A ball made of steel. I've always got my radar on, always. At the same time, I'm really enjoying myself both at work and at home. I'm getting so much done yet nothing at all, because my mind is spinning every moment. I adore the fact that I feel this great.

I have quite the drive home from work each day and my CD player is broken. Yeah, I'm stuck with the radio. I work in one county and live in another so halfway home, I am forced to switch all the stations I listen to in order to get anything decent playing. Slip Knot came on one day and I was listening to the lyrics. Really listening. It came alive in my head and I was in awe. It described what I go through in my lowest of lows right down to the screaming.   

"Duality"

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, all I do is live with so much hate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
If the pain goes on...
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
I'm not gonna make it! 

“Duality” is a song by American heavy metal band Slipknot. The song is released as the first single from their third album Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses). 

It hits the nail right at the head, doesn't it fellow bipolars?