"Something I Can Never Have"

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Gray would be the color if I had a heart
Come on, tell me

You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me!

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

"Something I Can Never Have" By Nine Inch Nails

Album: Pretty Hate Machine 

I've heard this song plenty of times but today it spoke out to me. While it's generally about lost love and missed chances, I heard it as though my brain, my fucked up brain, were speaking to me.

I'll never have a day where pill swallowing isn't involved.

My disorder has transformed me into someone I hardly recognize. There's no black or white anymore. Gray. Just gray.

Today is generally a mirror image of what tomorrow is to bring. The only thing I'm in the dark about is the kind of mood it will bring. My surroundings are the same. Only to me, it appears completely different on any given day. Who I used to be? I'm unsure of that anymore.

I've never had a strong belief in any higher power. What I'm going through? It just confirms my belief to be true.