No, I'm not fine. I'm all the things crossed out in this picture above. I want to scream, cry, thrash around and sleep all at one time. I want answers. How can I go from having ECT to getting on the correct dose of lithium to feeling fabulous for weeks to feeling like I don't give a shit about anything anymore (again)?
Is this a lifelong battle? Yes. I know it is. I thought I'd have a few months at the "good" level before things fell downhill again. Each time this happens, it's harder to get back up. You'd think that because I know "good" is on the horizon (just not when), I'd take these downs with a grain of salt but no. No, I don't. I see these downs as a failure of everything I've worked on up until this point. They last longer each time. They're darker each time. They're much scarier each time.
I cry at nothing and everything. I have to leave the dinner table so my sons don't have to witness it.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I don't want to try new drugs, isn't 19 in 3 years enough? I don't want to increase what I'm currently on. My blood work shows I'm in the therapeutic zone and an increase could hurt my kidneys and other organs.
I probably sound stubborn, like I want help but don't want to take more drugs to get the help. It's not me being stubborn. It's me being over it and wanting what I'm currently taking to go back to working the way it should. The way is should.