No, I'm not fine. I'm all the things crossed out in this picture above. I want to scream, cry, thrash around and sleep all at one time. I want answers. How can I go from having ECT to getting on the correct dose of lithium to feeling fabulous for weeks to feeling like I don't give a shit about anything anymore (again)?
Is this a lifelong battle? Yes. I know it is. I thought I'd have a few months at the "good" level before things fell downhill again. Each time this happens, it's harder to get back up. You'd think that because I know "good" is on the horizon (just not when), I'd take these downs with a grain of salt but no. No, I don't. I see these downs as a failure of everything I've worked on up until this point. They last longer each time. They're darker each time. They're much scarier each time.
I cry at nothing and everything. I have to leave the dinner table so my sons don't have to witness it.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I don't want to try new drugs, isn't 19 in 3 years enough? I don't want to increase what I'm currently on. My blood work shows I'm in the therapeutic zone and an increase could hurt my kidneys and other organs.
I probably sound stubborn, like I want help but don't want to take more drugs to get the help. It's not me being stubborn. It's me being over it and wanting what I'm currently taking to go back to working the way it should. The way is should.
Your feelings totally make sense. I get tired of it, and I'm not nearly where you are.
ReplyDeleteJust try getting through today, and worry about tomorrow when you wake up.
I so wish I had an answer. Just know that I'm here, right beside you, every step of the way. I'm proud of you for fighting, even when you're tired and ready to give up. <3
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteHave you thought of trying a different medical professional? Maybe someone w/fresh eyes will have new ideas.
It happened to me; tried a new provider and she was confident in a never-tried med COMBO that worked me out of a deep, dark hole. It was 2 meds that I'd tried prior, but never as a combo. She had good luck using it on other bipolar patients.
Just trying to help... I know it feels hard to get back up when knocked on the ass over & over...I'm here for you.
I really love the picture you posted, and the depth of meaning behind it. I haven't read your blog in a very long time. So sorry to hear you are struggling right now and I hope you get it all worked out.
ReplyDeletelittlebishopchronicles.blogspot.com
I wish that I could come to your house and give you a giant hug. Really. I do. I know how frustrating the stupid yo yo is. I can't even remember how many new medications I've tried. It's ridiculous. But I need them...or things will be hairy...kind of like my legs right now. I'm holding out until surgery.
ReplyDeleteWhy did I need to throw that tid bit in? To make you smile.
Love you girl.