Seeing isn't believing

"You don't want to get better."

"If you would just act happy then may you would BE happy."

"You're sucking the life out of me."

*~*~*

 Depression (and/or manic depression; aka: Bipolar Disorder) is a treatable medical illness involving an imbalance of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters and neuropeptides. It’s not a character flaw or a sign of personal weakness. Just like you can’t “wish away” diabetes, heart disease, or any other physical illness, you can’t make depression go away by trying to “snap out of it.”

Nearly six (6) million adult Americans are affected by bipolar disorder. Like depression and other serious illnesses, bipolar disorder can also negatively affect spouses and partners, family members, friends, and coworkers.

People with bipolar disorder experience bipolar depression (the lows) more often than mania or hypomania (the highs). Bipolar depression is also more likely to be accompanied by disability and suicidal thinking and behavior.

(Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance)

*~*~*

So yeah...Think before you speak. Just because the illness isn't visible to the naked eye, it still exists. And it's fucking painful to experience. 

Whatever

I can't be fixed.

Accepting that is very difficult.

I'm a goner.

See ya 2011

I don't know why I'm so excited to see 2011 go. It's not like I've got these big plans for 2012 or anything. But I am nonetheless.

2011 brought me hospitalizations, a Bipolar 2 diagnosis, plans for suicide, social anxiety, withdrawal....

It also brought me two incredibly adorable twin nieces, a husband who is now a college graduate, and my ever growing sons who make me smile each day even when I don't want to.

I've missed out on a lot and I've isolated myself to avoid life as a whole. Life kept going on around me and I was lost in the shuffle.

Next year has to be better, right? It just has to.

We decorated our tree even though I've been a Scrooge...

We've stuffed our faces...

The tree still stands even though it's being weighed down with eons of ornaments (and a curious toddler)...

I baked cookies and plan to bake more...

We've fallen asleep on the couch on countless nights...

I bid you adieu until next year readers. I have hopes of writing more in the coming 2012. I miss you all so much!

I'm Slipping

I looked everywhere on the internet yesterday to see how long Tegretol was going to stay in my system. I finally broke down and left a message for my doctor this morning.

Today I can feel myself slipping.

I don't care about anything and the tears are in my eyes without reason.

I just want to give up. The fight is too hard.

I know there are other medications out there I haven't tried but I'm on a budget. I was trying to stay within range of my $10 co-pay but it seems I've exhausted all of those. I don't qualify for assistance because I have insurance.

My psychiatrist seems to get frustrated with me because I won't try drugs out of my price range. He figures, if they work, we'll figure it out then. There's nothing to figure out. I'm not going to take something I can't afford. I can't.

So here we go again. Round and round she goes. Russian roulette anyone?

Surviving Postpartum Depression

There are so many new babies landing all around me.

I see all these updates on Facebook and/or Twitter and I get so jealous. Not of the babies but of the way the moms are handling things so well.

Here they are juggling life with new additions and it's like there's nothing to it. Well, almost.

Postpartum depression sunk my battleship before it even came afloat.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish PPD on anyone. In fact whenever I see a baby bump I silently pray for the woman...

Please let her make it! Please let her make it! Please let her make it! 

PPD is like a tornado. It can hit a row of houses and skip yours entirely.

I hope yours is/was skipped.

No more Tegretol

I stopped taking Tegretol last night. My doctor said I was on such a low dose and wouldn't require any weaning. I can't find a single thing online about how long the drug will last in my system. I'm feeling nauseous today already. I just want this feeling to stop. Nothing helps except keeping my eyes closed.

What or Who is Standing in Your Way?

 

When you look at where you are today, are you where you expected to be? If not, what's holding you back?

If it's a particular someone, I have just the answer. No really, I do...See below!

Because seriously? Have you ever stepped on a lego? Those bitches hurt.

FML

So the never ending saga continues....

Tegretol hates me. There's no denying that. Has it stabilized me? Yes. Does it still want to make me hurl on stuff? Yup.

Yesterday I picked up my anti-nausea medication. Promethazine (generic for Phenergan). I was so excited about it. I did the happy dance from my car all the way to a water source to swallow that pill. About an hour after consuming the little white beauty, I began to feel like I was disconnecting from my body. I was floating away. I was high but not in a good way.

About a half hour after that I had to close my eyes. I was at work mind you. I put my head down and took a nap. I had to. There was no other way out of this. I felt a bit better after but knew once I got home I would have to lie down for a bit to come back down to reality. And so I did.

7:00 struck and I was jolted from a sound sleep. The house was quiet. I ran from the bedroom to the kitchen to look at the clock. Was it a.m. or p.m.? I was freaking out. Did I miss dinner? Was I late for work? Where were the kids? Where was my husband?

It took a while to calm down and realize I hadn't missed anything but for the rest of the night I was on edge. I was scared but of what I didn't know.

I'm never taking those pills again.

I'll ride this out for the remainder of the week per my doctor's instructions and if the nausea doesn't subside, the Tegretol goes away for good and I'm back where I was. Again.

I'm stable right now. I'm not happy but I'm stable. Which is worth it? Which do I choose? I really don't know.

When medication backfires

For several weeks I've had some pretty severe nausea as a result of taking Tegretol.

I missed a day and a half of work over it this week.

My doctor called me in an anti-nausea medication and I took it several hours ago.

I feel like I'm having an out of body experience and not in a good way.

I took a new medication to combat old medication side effects only to create new side effects.

I just can't win here.

Meh...

I've been panicked due to my psychiatrist relocating to his new practice several cities over. At first I was angry and hurt and woe is me.

On Saturday my son and I took a trip to Orlando (to SeaWorld) and on the way, we passed through the city he is moving to. I thought, Oh hell no...this is too far to drive to see a doctor. Because as of last Friday, I thought maybe I could still see him.

I canceled my appointment with him today. I rescheduled for early January. I'm feeling...Meh. I'm stabilized, which is what we were going for. I figured I could save that bit of money since my co-pay is so damn high. I can call him in the interim if I get whacky.

This is the first time in a long time I went a whole month without suicidal ideations. That's pretty huge.

So for now. I'm stabilized. Yeah....

SeaWorld Orlando

I have three sons spread apart in age. I like to take the time to do things with each of them separately because it's so easy to get caught up in the daily activities of life and miss out. When I spend alone time with them, I tend to learn new things. I also like to get a glimpse of each of them when they're not looking to see how much they've grown. They're young men.

I reached out to the folks over at SeaWorld Orlando and they graciously extended two tickets for me and my son Isaac to attend. We had never been. To be invited during the holiday season was an extra special event. SeaWorld is currently hosting their Christmas Celebration and it was such a magical experience.

Not only did we get to see these wonderful creatures up close and personal but we were serenaded throughout the day with caroling and street performances that kept the day rolling along. We experienced shows like no other and saw the exhibits in complete awe.

We began the day like anyone should. Riding the Manta!

You sit down, pull the safety gear over your body and your legs and feet are instantly harnessed. When the seats are drawn to "flying position" you begin to have second thoughts. The coaster begins with an enormous climb which you come out of on an angle and the loops and barrel rolls take over. I'm not a roller coaster person but I knew this would be one of those chance of a lifetime rides. I'm so glad I went and that my son joined also.

A tunnel of fish. So gorgeous!

The Shamu Show

Such amazing creatures!

For a small cost, you could feed the dolphins up close and personal!

The Dolphin Nursery. This little guy was showing off.

Barracudas!

We took an ice cream break in between taking in all the sites...

We ended up in the children's section after our little break and my son wanted to go on this:

I never laughed so hard with him, ever.

When the clock struck 5pm and the sun began to set, the Christmas lights came to life and so did more caroling. The all man group serenading the crowd waiting to get on the Polar Express Experience was fabulous. I'm usually not a big fan of Christmas music nor am I of bands who recreate classics but these four guys? Oh my goodness. They brought tears to my eyes.

Are you a fan of the Polar Express movie? Then you HAVE to go to SeaWorld for the Polar Express Experience. The line moves quick and once you arrive at the train, you're instructed to put your seat belt on and sit back for the ride to come. It's a simulator and done so incredibly well. The dips and turns and flights of the train? It all feels so real. Again, another very magical experience.

This is us after the Polar Express Experience. It's dark but you can see we're all smiles. 

The one show I put my camera away for was the dolphin show. Birds were incorporated as well as divers and acrobats. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I got emotional looking at how excited my son was to see these trainers riding the dolphins.

Oh and the trainers? You could feel the love they have for these animals through and through.

Want a great deal for the park? Visit their vacation package site and begin shopping! You won't be disappointed!

Keep in touch with SeaWorld Orlando's latest happenings on Facebook and Twitter.

Christmas

I don't care if it comes or goes this year.

Actually, I'd rather it just go. Far...Far away!

I'm depressed again.

Is it just PMS this time around?

Is it that my doctor is ditching out on me?

Well he's not really ditching out, he's moving on, only...without me. And I'm pissed.

I'm being left behind.

I feel so fucking alone in this.

So very, very alone.

Toys for Tits?

Fantastic, right?