Lacking motivation {again}

Am I a shitty person to admit I have a bit of anger that the only other woman in my office just came to me to say she was taking the next five days off? It's not that I'm jealous, it's that I lack motivation to do anything at the office as it is and now I have to answer all the phones and make arrangements with other people before I can leave for lunch, etc.

I know I'm a shitty person because she's having issues with her health and she's taking the time off to heal.

I guess the thing is, I want to heal too. Only, I have to sit and wait wait wait for some miracle. For the right drug to click in for my healing.

It must be nice to have a diagnosis for something curable.

Also? I brought all my running gear to go at lunch today except for my iPod. There's no way I'm running without that. Plus? I'm following the Couch to 5K Program so without that British chick telling me when to run/walk, I won't do it.

Bah!

Another new drug

Tegretol.

This one? Scares the bejeezus outta me.

I have a friend who didn't do well on it. Like, at all. Like, it made her want to kill herself and I held on to her for dear life from across the U.S. by phone/text so she wouldn't do it.

I know we all react differently. I know.

But still.

This drug has a list like none other I've ever seen.

Look at this:

- blurred vision or double vision 
- continuous back-and-forth eye movements
- actions that are out of control 
- behavioral changes (especially in children)
- confusion, agitation, or hostility (especially in the elderly)   
- diarrhea (severe) 
- discouragement
- drooling
- fear
- feeling of unreality
- feeling sad or empty 
- headache (continuing)
 - increase in seizures
- irritability 
- lack of appetite 
- loss of balance control
- loss of interest or pleasure
- muscle trembling, jerking, or stiffness 
- nausea and vomiting (severe) 
- other problems with muscle control or coordination
- sense of detachment from self or body
- shakiness and unsteady walk 
- shuffling walk 
- skin rash, hives, or itching 
- stiffness of limb
- sudden, wide mood swings 
- talking, feeling, and acting with excitement
- thoughts or attempts of killing oneself
- tiredness 
- trouble concentrating
- trouble sleeping 
- twisting movements of the body 
- uncontrolled movements, especially of face, neck, and back
- unusual drowsiness

Hold me.

Getting Lost in the Shuffle

I began writing this blog over two years ago.

I've been down in the dumps and written very dark posts and I have been H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y entertaining.

I've hosted reviews and giveaways of what I consider to be top notch products-books-services.

Over the past year, I feel as though I have gotten lost in the shuffle in this blog world and I'm sad.

I'm jealous of some of the other bloggers I have met over the years who are going above and beyond and have made something of themselves in this thing we call a community.

I admit it. I'm jealous.

There's so much I wanted to do and yet I'm stuck in this rut.

For those of you who don't know, I started a new blog, so as not to clog this one up with all kinds of Bipolar mood swings.

Maybe one of these days I'll get back to where I want to be.

For now, I'll continue to read your blogs and comment when I can, and try to keep the jealousy to a minimum.

In the meantime, if you have started doing "bigger things", please leave me a comment so I can catch up with what that is.

Release

I never understood it. That is, until I did it.


The right amount of pressure...


The right amount of distance from point A to point B...


The separation of skin...


The transition from pink to red...


The sting...


The burn...


The release...


I haven't done it many times-Razor against flesh-Just...Enough.

Enough to get it.

To understand it.

B.O.R.E.D.

I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication over the weekend. I haven't felt any anxiety until this morning.

I was at home for four days and while it was restful and all that I discovered something. I'm bored with life. I get that the mundane things add up to what life is all about but it doesn't mean that I have to like it.

I am ashamed to admit this.

I have a husband whom I've been with for fourteen years who is about to finish school and embark on a new journey in the workforce.

I have three wonderful sons.

We rent a decent sized home.

We have cars.

We have clothing on our backs and food in our guts.

But I'm bored.

I'm also too lazy to make any changes not that I'd even know where to start.

I haven't gone for a run in over a week.

There's no pill out there to fix this.

I am going to see my psychiatrist this afternoon. Not that he's a magician or anything because he's not. He's just a guy who sits behind a desk and asks me what I need. Well you know what? I don't fucking know what I need or want anymore. I want to feel something but at the same time I want to be numb and comatose. I'm all over the place, I know this.

I'm not in a good place right now. I can feel the depression making its comeback. I'm too tired to fight it this time. I'm going to let it swoop in and swallow me whole. Just because. Because I don't know what else to do anymore.

Waiting to cut the turkey

My Lame Hand Turkey

I have moments where I just don't want to deal with this thing called life anymore. But you know what? I'm thankful for the loving people who surround me and remind me that I am here for a reason and I am needed and loved in the deepest ways possible.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!!

Gobble-Gobble...

Intrusive Thoughts - Happiness - Making Rash Decisions

I haven't had intrusive thoughts about my toddler in months.

Yesterday they made a big return and I fed them like an idiot.

I cried most of the way home while I was on the phone with my husband who was reiterating my worth.

By the time I got home, I was better. I made myself a margarita and started my Thanksgiving baking. Last night it was pumpkin bread. Tonight it's Dutch Apple Pie and I'm going to give a Dutch Blueberry Pie a go.

I love Thanksgiving. All my guys are going to gather around the table tomorrow and eat the feast I prepare in a loving way. My brother will join us. There's no pressure with gift giving. It's all about the food and company.

Today I wanted to share something with all of you. Decision making, or rather, making rash decisions.

Just a few weeks ago I made a huge life changing decision and luckily, my head cleared after several days and I was able to take it back. It's part of being Bipolar. Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment and often regret it later. More often than not, in fact.

For some of us, it's more than just saying things. Sometimes we act on our thoughts, which can be much much worse. I haven't shared my story about my own personal spontaneous actions here as of yet, but I was Baker Acted a few weeks ago because of actions I almost took on myself. 

Sometimes it's hard to keep up with the racing thoughts that drive through our brains at frightening speeds.

I have my moments where I just don't want to deal with this thing called life anymore. But you know what? I'm grateful for the loving people who surround me and remind me that I am here for a reason and I am needed and loved in the deepest ways possible.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Where is my mind? {ala the Pixies}

Where is my mind? 

Where is my mind?

Where is my mind?

Way out in the water.

See it swimming. 

~The Pixies

Last night.

My mind.

Again.

My husband was finishing up some school work on the computer, which is in the living room. I attempted to watch a show but fell asleep so I turned it off and went into the bedroom where all three of my sons were watching TV.

I brought my pillow, you know, Sophia.

Needless to say, I fell asleep in there.

I don't recall the time I woke up but when I did I was out of it. And once again? I hadn't taken my night meds yet.

I somehow coaxed the toddler to get his diaper changed then asked if he wanted his milk.

"Are you kidding? Tell me you're kidding." The husband said.

I'm all, no....

He already had it. And I am the one who gave it to him.

Jesus....The hell?

I talked to my psychiatrist. I can't go on like this. He gave me the option to either cut my last Zyprexa pill (from the samples he gave me) in half and take it for two more days that way or just abruptly stop and keep an eye out for sweating more and/or flu-like symptoms.

I haven't decided yet.

How THIS Floridian Cooks Her Turkey! Gobble~*~Gobble

Pinterest

I made my first ever turkey when my oldest, who is now 17, was about 5. That's crazy for me to realize. Anyhow, I made that turkey and it was the best tasting bird ever and since then? I haven't changed how I created the masterpiece. I thought it would be nice to share my "secrets" with you.

Firstly? Reynolds Oven Bags. And I totally wasn't paid to put that in this post. Promise. Not only does it cut the time you cook your turkey by a lot, you don't have to baste it either. I know right? Genius.

Pinterest

Secondly? Apples and oranges. We're always comparing the two in that they don't go together, but really? They make a great pear, bahahahahaha, get it? Whatever.

Take some of the zest of your orange and set it aside, say a teaspoon. Slice up your favorite apple and and orange into quarters and place them in the cavity of the bird. Don't worry about seeds and the likes.

You can also use lemons, grapefruit, lime...whatever. Your bird does not come out tasting like citrus, it just enhances the flavor of the already delectable treat and makes it juicier. Since I live in Florida, it's so wonderful to go out to the backyard and pick my citrus from the trees.

Do whatever it is you do on the outside of your turkey but incorporate the reserved orange zest. What do I do? A mixture of a couple tablespoons of olive oil, orange zest, salt, pepper, thyme and sage (the ground type of both). I just mix it all together in a measuring cup, give it a good stir, then massage it all over the turkey.

Then just follow the directions on the oven bag for how long to cook your bird. EZ-PZ!

I promise you, make it this way one time, and you'll never go back to basting.

I'm traditional when it comes to sides for Thanksgiving. What else will I prepare?

• Mashed Potatoes (skins on with sour cream and butter mixed in)
• Stuffing (Stove Top although I cook it then bake it off for a crispy topping)
• Gravy
• Pumpkin Bread
• Dinner Rolls
• Cranberry Sauce (both kinds)
• Cornbread Casserole (new this year)
• Green Bean Casserole
• Dutch Apple Pie
• Dutch Blueberry Pie

I think that's everything.

What I love most about Thanksgiving is that it's all about the food, being with family, and no gift obligations. I can drink wine earlier in the day and since I live in Florida? A walk on the beach after dinner can be worked in if I so choose.

I hope your holiday is grand!

A project to make me happy when I wake up

I'm addicted to Pinterest.

Recently, I saved a bunch of items from Pinterest and ordered them in photo form.

Then?

I hung them up in my bedroom using string and these cool plastic paperclips I bought.

This entire project cost me less than $9 and I have enough photographs left over to create another group of photos in the opposite direction for another wall.

When I look at this wall, I can't help but smile. It gives me warm fuzzies.

A Whisper to a Scream *~*Lauren Hammond

A WHISPER TO A SCREAM By Lauren Hammond

Synopsis:

Ellory Graham detested high school. She relished the fact that she was a rebel. A wild, carefree, type of girl. She basked in the glory of being the type of girl who stood up to authority. Unfortunately for her, her upfront, honest and bitchy nature always managed to land her in some kind of trouble.

Adam Jacobs was everything Ellory was not. Not only was he beautiful, but he was smart, artistic, and sweet. To almost every girl he seemed like the total package- that all around perfect guy. But in a town were nothing particularly interesting happens, and gossip seems like the only fun thing to do, sometimes those perfections become flaws. And it doesn’t take long for Ellory to find out, even Adam has secrets.

But Adam’s secrets, are the kind of secrets people die for...

Lauren has done it once again! I enjoyed reading this book on my Kindle. It's definitely one where you come to care about the characters to the point of feeling like they're real. Just a phone call away.


I can't say too much about the young adult piece, A Whisper to a Scream without giving anything away. It starts off strong, hooking you in immediately. It will keep your eyes moving right to the very end to see what in the world is going to happen. You will say repeatedly, how will this end?


I will say this. There are a lot of twists and turns and the end is not going to be what you expect. I know some who wanted the story to go in a different direction, myself included, but it gives you closure. There's no hanging by a thread ending here. It's clean cut and to the point. 


Happy reading!

Am I dreaming? Sadly, no...This is really happening!

I fell asleep on the living room floor again when I came to...

"Where's the stick with the pineapple on it?" I demanded to know.

{{Blank faced husband}}

"Where's the stick with the banana on it?" I really needed to know where this fruit was apparently.

Hubs said, "What the eff are you talking about?"

"YOU KNOW..."

It was about 10:30 pm or later, I can't recall.

Pinterest: Cup magnetized to frig. Taking Note...

The toddler then asked for water and I stormed off to the kitchen to grab it from the refrigerator. I usually prepare sippy cups with milk and water at night for the following day. This time I hadn't.

So picture me: Half asleep, grabbing a sippy cup lid and attempting to jam the rubber stopper thing in the right holes. I fill the cup (or so I thought) then proceed to lose the damn thing before I can get the lid on it. Like, it just vanished y'all.

The baby was standing there just waiting for his water. I looked everywhere for this cup and the baby ran away. I insisted that it was he who hid it. I was yelling at this point. At him. I was yelling at a 2-year old. His idea of hiding objects is sitting on it while half the object sticks out from beneath his tiny ass.

"Where the fuck did he put it?" I was demanding by this point. Seriously, the hell?

The husband comes to help me (I must mention that he's sick and wrapped in a blanket on the couch wearing my sock monkey slippers to keep warm) and almost falls on the water spill I created in front of the frig. Then he begins to yell at me and frantically looks for the phantom fucking cup of water without a cap on it.

Then...I look over at the thing I put the cups on after they're washed so they can dry and notice two cups but only one lid. Had I really been standing at the refrigerator filling up just the lid? Indeed. It would explain the spill.

Embarrassed now, and an angry husband lurking, I grab one of the two cups, fill it, secure the lid, and give it to the little man. I spun around and realize....

People, I did all this BEFORE I took my night meds.

The fuck?

P.S. I can laugh about it now but at the time? So not funny. I mean really, who hides fruit from a girl?

P.P.S. Don't forget about my Gyro Bowl giveaway!!!

P.P.P.S. I cross-posted this on my other blog...

Saturday Funnies

~*~*~*~*~*~

Pinterest

namaste

Pinterest

I was having one of my anger days but then I went for a run and all was righted in my world. Free therapy I tell you. FREE. No scratch that, better than therapy. Yeah, that's it. BETTER.

It's a gorgeous day here in Florida. Mid 70's outside with a slight breeze. So perfect. But I'm stuck here at work behind this desk and it makes me crazy.

I was pissy all morning because someone I know, and am pretty close to, acts differently when there are other people around. Likes he's some kind of badass. When nobody else is around? Sweet as can be. This morning I told him he was acting like a jack rabbit and if he did it again, I'd taco punch him right in front of his cronies.

Take THAT.

So just don't be a douche readers. Douches are for vaginas only.

I really have nothing to say. This post is going nowhere in a hurry.

Today is day 9 of Zyprexa. I think I said I was on .5mg of this med in the past. Duh, that was way off. I'm on 5mg. No (.) Dot. Wait, that looks like a boob. A droopy boob at that.

How do I feel you ask? Pretty damn good. Only draw back so far is that it knocks me on my ass within 15-20 minutes of swallowing it. Like, I better be in bed within that time frame or I'll be cashed out wherever I'm at for the night. Dead weight.

I'm not letting the new drug get to my eating habits. A lot of people gain weight on it. Between all the yoga and running I'm doing, I should be okay.

I go back to my psychiatrist on Wednesday to see if he wants me to continue taking Zyprexa. At that point, I'll find out how much the fucker is gonna cost me. I'm scared. Hold me, would ya?

Enough. Have a great weekend all.

Oh HEY...I'm hosting a review on my other blog. Click HERE to win a Gyro Bowl. O.o

It's all about the Gyro Bowl

I've been seeing commercials for a while now for the Gyro Bowl so when I was contacted to host a review/giveaway, I was all ears.

The Gyro Bowl is a revolutionary no spill bowl that will bring an end to messy child eating habits. It's a kid-proof bowl that uses 360-degree technology to keep items inside the plastic sphere. The bowl stays open-side up, no matter which way a child decides to twirl it, throw it or dump it. Gyro Bowl is virtually indestructible and works just like a globe!

I have placed many items in the bowl to put it to the test:

• Water
• Legos
• Spaghetti
• Cut up fruit
• Soup

The bowl really works. Nothing spills!

Going on a long road trip? It would be perfect for the car ride for snacks!

Features:

• Kid-Proof Gyro Bowl
• Inner Bowl Rotates 360 Degrees
• Virtually Indestructible
• Saves Time, No More Cleaning
• Use it for Non-Food Items
• BPA-Free Plastic
• Top Rack Dishwasher Safe
• Not Microwave Safe

Are you interested in winning one here?

All you have to do to win your very own Gyro Bowl is leave me a comment. You can comment daily, but just once per day, to have it count toward winning.

Want a chance to score an extra entry per day? Tweet ( @lotsOspermies is hosting a Gyro Bowl #giveaway! CLICK to enter: http://bit.ly/t8ZigJ Please RT!) about the giveaway or share it on your Facebook wall and send me the link. Again, you can do this once per day.

The giveaway will end on Friday, November 25th at midnight and is open to residents of the U.S. only.

Good luck!

NOVICA Winner

The winner of the $50 gift certificate giveaway to NOVICA goes to Angie!! 

You can still win with NOVICA. Every item is handcrafted and reasonably priced. Have I mentioned how fast their shipping is? When your package arrives, it will feel like it's your birthday or other special holiday when you open it. NOVICA takes the time to carefully wrap your item in a little something special; so even though you know what's under the wrapping, it's heavenly and surprising.

Don't forget all they have to offer. This is just a short list:

• Accessories
• Men's Accessories
• Cufflinks 
• Women's Scarves
• Wool Scarves
• Walking Sticks

Happy Shopping!! 

High

I know the winds are shifting when I awaken before my alarm goes off and I feel ready to make the day happen.

I wish it were just that the depression veil was lifting. If that were the case, I'd have slept a bit longer, felt refreshed and 'normal'.

I'm on a high.

Hypomania.

And you know what? I love it.

It means extra care and love with pour into the tasks I do.

I'll bake cookies that are extra gooey.

I'll make sure my make-up is flawless and even accessorize.

I'll add a depth of soul to the dinner I prepare tonight.

Hypomania. A bipolar's greatest love.

Sure, it can be dangerous and every time I come down from the high, I sink deeper into the quicksand...but for now, I will take advantage.

Work then bake then yoga then skype then cook dinner then eat dinner. All while music fills the background and soaking in my kids while doing so.

I'm ready.

My 500th Post

For my 500th post I thought funny pictures were in order...

Thanks for sticking around with me! xoxox

Losing It

I've taken Zyprexa for the past two nights. Last night? I can't even remember it.

I remember arriving home from work and making dinner, but beyond that? It's gone. All gone.

I usually drag out my bed pillows by 9pm and lie on the floor in the living room with my toddler while he drinks his milk and we unwind. I remember getting that far.

The kids have no school today so they were allowed to stay up late.

*Pinterest* I may be losing my mind but not my sense of humor.

My husband had school last night and a few errands to run before coming home.

When he got home, I was sleeping on the floor in the living room.

I can't remember if that was when I put my sleeping toddler in his bed or if I was alone and had already done that.

I don't know when my other two sons went to sleep, only that their doors were closed when my husband got home.

I don't like this. Not one bit.

I know side-effects tend to fizzle out over time but I can't go on like this.

I'd rather be a blubbering, depressed fool than lose my mind altogether.

Trees

Each one has its own story, its own history. I'd love to lie beneath each one for hours to hear what it has to say...

~*~*~*~Pinterest~*~*~*~