Did I ever tell you about the time I found something in my office that totally shouldn't have been there?

So it was a normal day. I opened up the door to my office, got my shit settled, grabbed a cup of coffee while my computer warmed up, shot the shit with coworkers...

I came back in to check my email and stuff {personal email because who gets to work right away?} and I kept hearing this sound. 

*Snap*Snap*Snap*

I didn't think too much of it. A bit of time goes by and there it is again.

*Snap*Snap*Snap*

What the fuck is that noise?

I turned around in my chair and what do I see? A fucking crab with his claws up in the air getting ready to assault me!

What did I do? I screamed like a little bitch, that's what I did. 

I screamed so loud my boss, whose office is on the other end of the building, came running.

A crab. In my office. A CRAB!

How you ask? I live in Florida for one thing. My office? It's pretty close to the river. There's a little bay running along the back of the building as well. We leave the shop doors open (Electrical Contractor) all day long and while it COULD have crept in here at some point and hid in here? I totally think it was one of our electricians playing a trick on me.

Asshole.

Have you entered my Eden Fantasys giveaway yet? Hop to it!!

My Drunk Kitchen

Yesterday I was over at one of my favorite blogs "True Mommyhood Stories" and was introduced to My Drunk Kitchen. Basically it's this adorable chick named Hannah Hart who gets lit and cooks all while taping it. I've been watching her and laughing so fucking hard. I had to share my favorite with you thus far. 

I give you My Drunk Kitchen with Hannah Hart: Ice Cream

Ummmm, this chick has heart-shaped ice cubes. Why don't I have heart-shaped ice cubes?

Have you entered my Eden Fantasys giveaway yet? Hop to it!!

Flashback - - My "It" Guys of the Teen Years

Let's go back in the day. Say....teen years? What movie(s) did you have to watch repeatedly in order to get a glance at your "it guy" for the moment?

I had two. Pretty in Pink and Weekend at Bernie's. Can you tell I was a little obsessed with Andrew McCarthy back in the day?

But also? As much of an asshole that James Spader was in Pretty in Pink....He was yum-o-licious.

Even better still? Is how they look today!

Why do men get better with age and women just turn into hags needing lifts here, tucks there and loads of hair dye to cover the gray hair that make aging men look so sexy?


Totally unfair.

Have you entered my Eden Fantasys giveaway yet? Hop to it!

Eden Fantasys - - Time for Pleasure {Review & GIVEAWAY!!}

This post contains a review of sexually explicit nature. If you're a family member, skip this post. You've been warned!

EdenFantasys graciously sent me a  LAYAspot clitoral vibrator for me to play around with and review (at no cost to me). Here she is...

She may not appear to be much, kind of my thought when I first received the package, but was I ever wrong. Like "whoa!" kind of wrong. 

I inserted the two AA batteries it required (not included) and held down the "+" button until the gentle vibrations began. The longer you hold the "+" button the stronger it gets. The LAYAspot even begins to pulsate and vibrate in different patterns, 8 to be exact. It's easy to maneuver and if it becomes too much for you to handle, there's a handy "-" button to take it down a notch or to turn it off completely.

It's about 4" in length and made of plastic and hygienic body-friendly elastomed. In my opinion, it feels like human skin against my body. It has an ergonomic shape and is comfortable to hold. No awkwardness here. The shape allows excellent placement between you and your partner for further pleasure.

Also? It's waterproof. The only catch is, after water-play, you'll want to remove the batteries and allow the LAYAspot to air dry completely before using it again.

I'll be honest. The LAYLAspot is my new favorite toy. 

If you've never shopped with EdenFantasys before, you're in for a real treat. Navigating their website is super easy, the prices are just right, and shipping is discreet. 

How would you like to win your very own LAYAspot? You would? That's great because Eden Fantasys has agreed to reward one of my lucky readers with one. How? 
 

Leave a comment for EACH entry or it will not be counted:

• Visit the EdenFantasys website and leave a comment about your dream item!
• Follow EdenFantasys on Twitter!
• "LIKE" 2 Much Testosterone on Facebook!
• Follow me on Twitter @lotsOspermies!
• Tweet about this giveaway: @lotsOspermies is hosting an @EdenFantasys LAYAspot vibrator giveaway. Stop by to enter: http://bit.ly/iGpfV8 
• Blog about this giveaway and leave the link in your comment.  
• Announce this giveaway on your Facebook fan page and leave the link in your comment.  

That's 7 chances to enter. Contest ends on Monday, July 4th at midnight EST. The winner will be announced on Tuesday, July 5th. Good luck! 

Contest is open to residents of the U.S. and Canada. Canadians beware, due to customs regulations, the item will be listed as to what's inside. 

The Greatest Few Days

Today is the greatest
Day I’ve ever known
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I have ever known
Can’t wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I’ve tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day
That I have ever known

I want to turn you on
I want to turn you round
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you

Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever known 

- - Smashing Pumpkins 

I'm in a state of euphoria. I have been for the past several days. I'm happy, excited, have loads of energy, I'm talking nonstop, my creativity is swooning, I'm restless {I need to go-go-go}, I feel like I could jump off a bridge and fly into the wind.

Hypomania. It's bad for the brain but great for the ego and self-esteem. I could live like this forever. Apparently? It's bad for the brain. 

I've got a call in to my doctor. We shall see...

Adult Beverage of the Week - - My Very Own Creation

It has been a LONG time since I've announced a coolio Adult Beverage of the Week y'all and I totally apologize for it. Just this week I gave in to a craving I had for Taco Bell and just had to wrap my lips around one of these babies:

It's their Limeade Sparklers. As I was sipping on the cherry version I was chatting with the hubs on the phone and I had a light bulb moment! 


I was all, "I could totally make this at home with some Sierra Mist (it's more lime-y than the the other choices), a splash of maraschino cherry juice (ala Shirley Temples), spike it with an ounce or two of vodka over ice!!"


I'm so brilliant. 


Now I haven't tried this yet but I plan to; just as soon as I buy me a bottle of vodka. Hmmmmm....maybe I'll make my famous Penne Vodka to go along with. I'll have to post that recipe someday soon because it will knock you into tomorrow, I shit you not.


Enjoy....


OH! And by the way....Me and Taco Bell and Sierra Mist? Totally not in on this together. It was my brain that came up with it. All on my own. My lonesome-self. However, I do encourage you to get one next time you pick up a 12-pack of tacos because it's the shiznit.
 

Wine Drinkers Rejoice - - Flipflop Wines Review

I'm a white wine drinker. My wine of choice has always been Pinot Grigio. I love the way a good Pinot Grigio bubbles on my tongue before it's swallowed. 

I teamed up with the folks over at Fliflop Wines for a tasting. I told them of my love for the white stuff and I received a lovely package of their Riesling, Pinot Grigio and Pinot Noir. 

I want to preface this by saying Flipflop doesn't bother with corks. For me? That's killer because who has time for all that? Half the time the cork screw goes all the way through the cork, then you have cork in your wine and the seal is broken. Flat wine fast unless you plan on drinking the whole bottle in one sitting. So thank you Flipflop for that!

First, I'm not a huge fan of Riesling because it tends to be overly sweet. This particular brand is lovely. I paired it with some cheese to take the bite of sweetness away and it created the perfect combination on my pallet. The melon-like finish is what really sparked for me. 

Knowing that Pinot Grigio is my favorite wine ever I was excited as all get up to get into the bottle. I poured myself a glass and the aroma instantly made me tingle. My first sip was small and I held it in my mouth for a moment and allowed it to dance on my tongue. Flipflop describes this wine best as having a zesty, clean finish. I knew right away this was going to be my new favorite Pinot Grigio because of the way it was sparkling and slightly bubbly. Then I swallowed and the heavens opened up. The Flipflop version of my favorite flavor is instantly at the top of my list. 

The folks over at Flipflop knew of my hatred for red wine when I agreed to host a review for them. The thing is, I really want to love red wine. It's sexy, it's pretty, it's sophisticated. So? I was sent a bottle of Pinot Noir. I was very excited to give it a try after reading its description. A bright cherry, sweet spice and a supple, velvety finish? Bring it. I'm sorry to say that it missed the mark for me however, I invited a lover of red wines to taste the luscious red and she was in love. She likes to pair her red with dessert and just happened to have a cake in the oven at that moment. Yay for her!

Flipflop wines sell for a mere $7 a bottle. So not only are they good quality, but the price is fitting for every budget. I can't wait to get my hands on their Chardonnay and Moscato next.

Read more about Flipflop HERE. They know their wine!

Join Flipflop on Facebook and Twitter for the latest news. 

Flipflop Wines generously shipped me three bottles of wine in exchange for this review. The opinions in this review are that of my own and nothing more. 

The Art of Listening

I have this horrible trait that was passed down from my mother. I don't know how to be a good listener. 

You can email me until your heart is content and I will baffle you with Dear Abby style replies, but in person? I cannot grasp the concept. 

I've been trying harder with each conversation I have. Here's the thing...even though I may be "listening", in the back of my head I'm telling myself over and over again to shut my trap, don't interrupt, you'll have your turn in a moment. So I just nod my head and have half an ear on what you're saying and the other half is having an argument with myself to keep quiet. 

Whilst trying to give you my {partial} undivided attention, I have a horrible case of the "uh-huh"s. After about every two sentences I have to say "uh-huh" and nod. I think I do this so you know I'm still with you. I haven't been lost in the translation of the topic. This to me? Is still quite rude. I'm working on that too.

That's just my issues when speaking to someone in person. The phone? A whole different array of problemos. I can't see you and so I don't know when you're finished speaking and I tend to butt in while you're still trying to finish up and then I'm all, "I did it again!"

People, I love to hear your voices. I love to offer advice. I love to listen if you're just wanting to vent and are not looking for advice in return. 

Please oh please, someone teach me the fine art of listening without offering up a title of a self help book. Because those books and I? We don't get along.

Questionable Dreams

Do you ever wake up from a dream dumbfounded? 

Recently, I had a dream about a boy I met in middle school. We had classes together but were never really "friends". We were friendly to one another and went on to high school together. I remember him as the preppy kid. The charmer. I don't think I can recall a moment in time where he wasn't smiling. Everyone liked him. 

In my dream we were a couple. I don't believe this was a high school relationship type dream. We appeared to be older and very happy. He was very considerate and his smile never withered. No conversation took place that I can remember, it was like watching a silent film.

When I woke up I couldn't help but wonder why he was being brought back into my life. I'm happily married with three wonderful sons. It made me ponder whether or not he was as happy in his current life.

That same day I went to Facebook and typed in his name, but the results were negative. I turned to Google, typed in his name and the city where we attended high school, and clicked "search". I wasn't prepared for the result. 

An obituary. He passed away at the age of 25, approximately 9 years ago.

I turned back to Facebook in search of some answers. Through a reliable source I learned that he was out hiking alone and fell to his death. His mental status was questionable. 

Did he really fall? 

This whole scenario has affected me deeply. 

Does this have something to do with my current mental status? Who knows. 

I hope you are at peace Matt. I'll always remember your smile.

The Non "It-Girl"

I go through stages where I really care about my appearance. My hair has to be "just so", my nails are filed (but rarely painted), I am able to pull an outfit from my closet that flatters my now larger frame, cute shoes are placed upon my feet with pretty painted toes and I'm off to face the world. 

The way I can really tell if I'm in a caring mood is in my shoes. I have a closet filled with cute wedges, shiny new tennis shoes, strappy heals, flip flops, etc... When I'm feeling really confident I go for the cute wedges and I'll even slip on a dress. When I'm in the dumps I tend to go for boring; something people won't take a second glance at.

I've never been that girl who wants people to fall over themselves to talk to. In fact, I'd rather stay at home with a cheesy Lifetime movie or curled up with my Kindle. I'm definitely more of a homebody. This often upsets my husband.


My husband is a student but he's also the stay at home dad to our three kids. When school is out for the summer, like now, he's got all three to deal with all week long while I head to the office. When school is in, it's just him and the baby. When the weekend rolls around, I want to get through the errands as quick as possible that need to happen outside of my house so I can relax and enjoy not having to leave again. For my husband, it's just the opposite. He wants to get out there and mingle. He's that social butterfly. 


I find it much harder to meet him halfway when I'm stuck in a rut of not caring about my appearance. That's not to say I am running out the door in my cute wedges when I'm feeling my best either. 


Do I have social anxiety? 


Trouble making friends?


Issues with how to carry on a conversation?


I believe so and this is an obstacle I don't know how to overcome.


Where's does the balance lie?

Condiment Chaos

You know when you get ready to cook something and you thought you had everything you needed and you already were at the grocery store today and now you have to go back?

Or in my case, you burn the hell out of the hot dogs you left on the grill with the burner on a whee bit too high and then totally forgot you put them on there in the first place and now you need to run to the store for new hot dogs but then they don't have the brand you want and so you settle for the next best thing in hopes to trick your husband, but then while you're turning the new hot dogs over on the grill he's banging on the door from behind you shouting, "Are those Nathan's?" and your mind is all, "How the fuck did he know I got Sabrett's. Fucker has hot dog x-ray vision!" while you're all giving him the "what??" look like you can't hear him through the glass door?

You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?

Okay, so I may have had the detailed instance above happen to me this week so I hit the grocery store at super sonic speed..... While I was running down the aisle with all the condiments, you know, the dressing, ketchup, mustard, barbecue sauces.... I stopped mid-stride to observe the beauty of the aisle.

For whatever reason, I was the only one in this aisle at the time. When I said  I stopped mid-stride, I mean my feet stopped way before the upper half of my body and I nearly took a nose dive!

Why you ask?

The shelves were so orderly. All the labels were facing forward and there were no gaps. These shelves were stocked to their fullest capacity!

Get on with it? Fine...

I wanted so badly to stick my arm in between the dressing bottles and run. I wanted to take out all those condiments and watch them fall to the floor. I wanted to create complete chaos among the ketchup and mustard bottles. Anarchy in the condiment aisle!!!

I may need to get a life. Or stop burning hot dogs to avoid trips such as this. Either one.

Originally posted on July 30, 2010!

Photo Credit: Google, baby!

Catatonia

Gaunt. Eyes sunken in. Cheekbones protruded beneath taut skin. The man twisted around taking note of the rising sun. Colors intertwined above creating hints of deep red submerged by the usual oranges and pinks. The lake was still, fully hushed. The water engulfed the scene like that of paint upon canvas. He took a knee, carefully listening, as if the waking sun were whispering his next move. As the sun rose into place for its day ahead, the man’s eyes wandered to the ground. His once clear mind was now in a haze. Could this be a dream? The trance had been broken as he stepped over the body and grasped the shovel…

Photo Credit: Jane Yolen’s, The Sea Man

{A Writing Exercise} 

Originally published July 9, 2010

How to clean with a toddler under-foot!

I live for finding shit to keep my toddler entertained so I can get stuff done around the house. I may have finally out done myself this time.

I needed to scrub the bathtub so I sat him down on the floor in front of the sink. Then I gave him a totally sealed bottle of bubbles with the label partially coming off. He spent the next 20 minutes removing the label then another 10 minutes trying to figure out how to get the sticky label off his fingertips.

Since he was so distracted with this game I figured I could finish cleaning the bathroom. When he started to get truly annoyed with the situation, I added in some more magic. Cottonballs. A small pile of cottonballs for him to grab, get stuck to the stickers and become dumbstruck.

My bathroom? Clean. The toddler? He had an interactive babysitter. A two for one!

Bizarre Phrases and Bothersome Conduct

This post was originally published back on 2/26/10. I'm trying to relocate my inspiration to write and to be funny so I thought I'd start with republishing old posts! You're welcome...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There's this three-word phrase that (I feel) is overly used in the blogosphere. I don't want to offend those who have used it or are scheming the use of it. And here it is:

"But I digress....."

When I Googled this phrase (in the "images" section because I have to have a visual), this popped up:

 

Am I missing something here?! This is what I hear when I look at this. Yes, I meant "hear". 

Clown Freak: Yo, your monkey is yelling profanities at me. I think he might be frightened of my new look.

Guy with monkey: Dude, my hands are tied. The monkey does what it wants.

{Clown Freak} now known as Cross-Dresser: I wonder if your monkey would prefer it if I wore a nest on my head complete with a bird. I put on this bra and matching lipstick because I love the silkiness upon my skin.

Guy {who once had a} monkey: You scared him even further. He's all up in my pants now. EEK!

Cross-Dresser: ... (because he's all headless and stuff)

Guy {who once had a} monkey but now has what appears to be a hot dog with wings on his buns: HA! I decapitated you with my fiercely sharp index finger!

Who the hell decides what comes up on your screen when you Google something?

Onward...

Who says, "The point is moot"? Guess what I got when I Googled "What is moot"? No pictures this time:

1. Useless, nothing, pointless
2. A legal skills exercise simulating a hearing before a court of appeal. Often law students participate in moots to practice their advocacy skills. Also known as mooting.
3. Vagina.
4. All purpose word; there need be no other word than moot.

Allow me to pick this one apart. #1, I'd rather hear the word "nothing" over the word "moot". #2, Really? Isn't it "torts" not "moots"? This one could earn a Google search all its own. #3, The fuck? #4, The fuck {part 2}?? I'm flabbergasted! 

And when I Googled it in images (because I couldn't NOT):

So based on #4 above, I can change "Moot" in "Moot Point Lane" to anything I want and appear to live on a different "Lane" every day! That's all kinds of hip.

I had two more points to review with  you but alas, I'm overwhelmed with all this awesomeness that graced my eyes already. Perhaps I'll save those for Monday?

 

Yes, I Googled that too. I'm fanatical!