Rapid Cycling

I'm noticing more and more rapid cycling these past few weeks. I can wake up in the greatest of moods and by the time I step out of the shower, I can be a weeping mess.

I'm having a lot more "downs" versus "ups" these days.

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Luckily I am going to my doctor here shortly. It's time to get back on a mood stabilizer.

I've tried a few. One made my tongue go completely numb and the other didn't work. I ended up maxing out on the dose before coming off of it completely. There's plenty out there but insurance is a factor, of course. It's always money.

The hope was that the Prozac would be enough but it's not. My dose has been doubled in less than one month. I've also had to double the dose of my anti-anxiety pills.

I'm tired all the time. I can hardly function. I don't want to do anything.

Life seems to have very little meaning.

I have an adoring husband. I have three awesome sons. I have a flexible job.

It's the mundane things in the middle of all that, that I'm having trouble managing. The cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, exercising...

Sure you say, I fucking can't stand doing all of that either, but I do.

Try doing it in the middle of the grocery store and wanting to lie down into the fetal position and bawl your eyes out. Try measuring out the laundry detergent and not remembering how much to use. Try making a list for the grocery store and forgetting half of what's on it while you're shopping. Try scrubbing the floors and wondering how you let it get that bad to begin with. Try placing new sheets on the bed and you can't get it quite right and all you want to do is throw the blankets on the floor and cry yourself to sleep right there. Try writing a blog post where your mind is about to burst with information and you forget half of what you wanted to say, to share with others so they know they're not alone.

Try doing all of this while your kids are watching.

Try.

Live in my world for ten minutes and you'll understand what rapid cycling is.

It fucking sucks.