Tuesday, November 1, 2011
On the walk back home, cars passed us along the road. My neighborhood doesn't have sidewalks or street lights. It scared me to death.
Every time a car approached I made sure my little one was on the side of the road, with one of his brothers or his dad. But when he was with me? I felt so inadequate. I kept envisioning him running into the road at the last minute and I was going to lose him.
I know this isn't me. I know it's the depression playing tricks inside my head. It dances about and fa la la's day in and day out and it's becoming harder and harder to block out.
Three hours after I initially called my doc yesterday, I was home. I decided to call back. Had I been forgotten? I was placed on endless hold as the receptionist (the one who hates me) tried to find some answers. The only explanation she could come up with is that the doc himself probably wanted to speak to me personally and so I should wait for his call. It was 5:30pm by that point. On a holiday.
It's approaching 8:30am now. Eighteen hours have passed.
I had an appointment scheduled today with my therapist. I cancelled that yesterday. I just don't have anything left to say and I'm not getting any pointers on how to handle in-the-moment anxiety.
October is over.
Now is when it starts to get really hard.
Holidays are approaching. Family oriented holidays.
Can't I just be put in a hospital bed, be drugged up for the next two months, and let it all happen in my absence?