Energy or Lack Thereof

My toddler is running amok. My older boys are home from a canoeing trip, resting up. I am trying to summon the energy to get off the couch to refill my favorite mug with coffee.

My meds are strong. Once I take the Remeron, I know I have about 20 minutes before the blurred vision sets in. It's also making me eat like a cow. At 2:30am this morning my eyes darted open. The Krispy Kreme donuts were beckoning me from the kitchen. My husband was watching Sports Center as I crammed 4 donuts into my mouth. I ate 2 more this morning. Right now? Warm Pop Tarts sound heavenly. On Thursday I tried a walk-at-home workout to offset the binges. I've only done it once.

I've been working in this workbook that's supposed to give me coping skills for dealing with my emotions. I shared the title on my other blog. I'm weary of doing that here just yet because so far? It's chanting the demons of my childhood, pointing blame at my parents for the way I deal with life as an adult. I think that's a load of bullshit. We'll see how that progresses.

Yesterday I told my husband he's been treating me like one of the kids. He said he doesn't mean to and didn't know he was until just that moment and apologized. He said he worries about going to his classes at night, leaving the kids with me, because I fall asleep so easily. Yesterday I zoned in and out of sleep for hours while Steve from Blue's Clues entertained my toddler. It's not like he fell down and bled or got into something he shouldn't. But I can see where he's coming from. At least we're communicating...

I'm afraid to have my meds adjusted too soon because that calls for more side effects and I'll feel like I didn't allow ample time for the current doseages.

Bipolar Disorder, you suck but you're here to stay. Whataya say we find a happy medium, yes?