The 10th Photo

Summer over at Le Musings of Moi posted today that one of her blog friend's tagged her to open up her photos, pick the 10th one and tell about it. So I'm a copy cat and did it. Here it is:

This was last St. Patrick's Day. Little Xavier was just under two weeks old, I think. The kid was rocking out his shamrock pajamas.

Happy Sunday y'all! I'm sitting here trying to avoid the grocery store at. all. costs. Thing is, I really want to do some baking and am lacking some ingredients. Damn.

Fake Accents and Food Network Porn

My husband often points out people who appear to have an accent when they sing and don't actually have one in real life. He really hates it when Green Day's front man {Billie Joe Armstrong} does this!

He's all, Dude you were born in Oakland. Stop acting like you're from the UK! Also, Billie Joe, the make-up? I.D.I.O.T. That was me talking, not the hubs.

But where I get really irked by these so-called "accents" is when someone of Hispanic decent throws out the tongue rolls mid-sentence. There's this news anchor on one of my local stations. Her name is Ybeth Bruzual. That's pronounced EEE-Beth Brew-Swal. Got it? Okay.... When she says her name she rolls her tongue like a crazed lunatic. She's all, "I'm Ybeth Bruzual", and she totally rolls that "R" in Bruzual and it drives me nuts.

My husband calls her "Y" Beth. I love it when he does this.

Another prime example of this? I'm sitting here catching up on fellow blogger's posts and Food Network is on behind me. This chick is cooking chorizo. Her name is Marcela Valladoild from Mexican Made Easy. Never even knew she existed until today. Okay, so she's all I have an American accent until a Mexican type word approaches and again with the fucking tongue rolls. Dude, you are of Hispanic descent but you don't have an accent! You sound like an idiot.

Side Note: 30 Minute Meals just came on. I really love Rachael Ray but what the fuck is wrong with her voice? She sounds like an eighty year old lady who has smoked and drank coffee for one-hundred-fifty-two decades. That and the tongue thing SHE has going on. No she doesn't roll it. Just like, every now and again, her tongue creeps out of her mouth to touch her lips and it goes back in. Like a scared turtle. It would be one thing if she was like, trying to be sexy, but Rach... You're cooking, not making porn!

I wish I had videos with examples to post for you. I'm not trying to offend any of you. It's just another one of those things that digs under my skin and buries a nest. Like that movie BUG with Ashley Judd!

Did you see that? It really had a good thing going up until midway through. I wanted to gouge my eyes out with a fucking toothpick, just to have something to do.

Writer's Workshop - - So much more than just great taste!

Mama Kat asks, “What images inspire you immediately? Open a magazine and create a piece of writing (poem, story, essay) about the first image that captures your imagination."  

This didn't completely work in my favor because the magazines I had in my house at the time this little diddy was thrown out there were shit. So, I did the next best thing. I created my own ad!   

* * *

Asparagus

• Nutrient dense food high in Folic Acid!
• A good source of Potassium, Fiber, Vitamin B6, Vitamins A and C, and Thiamin!
• Zero fat! Cholesterol free! Low in Sodium!
• One of the most nutritionally well-balanced vegetables in existence!
• Steam! Stir-fry! Roast it! Enjoy if fucking raw if you’d like!
• Guaranteed to make the bathroom stink to high hell! You will literally gag!
• Rest assured when you peak into the toilet and a neon yellow substance is staring back at you! This is typical!
• So go ahead and enjoy this luscious side dish! Just please, remember to flush the toilet several times upon exiting the bathroom. I don’t get to reap the fucking benefits from the smell alone!
• Febreze wouldn’t hurt either! In fact, I insist upon it!

* * * 

Spirit Jump -- Cards 4 Cancer

CARDS 4 CANCER

In Loving Memory Of Delores “Dee” Ruse

On Saturday April 10th, 2010 Spirit Jump and the team leaders around the world will deliver bags of uplifting cards to their local cancer centers to be given to those battling cancer. Cards can be collected by asking family members, friends, neighbors, schools, youth groups or just about anyway you can think of getting them. Cards can be handmade or store bought and should have a positive message to help JUMP the SPIRIT of someone who is battling cancer.

The purpose is to bring hope and comfort to the many men, women and children battling cancer. Not just creating awareness but also having a direct and positive impact on the lives of those who are hurting.

Spirit Jump has set a goal to collectively deliver over 100,000 uplifting cards. Join me and together we can reach this goal.

The cards may be signed but do not have to be, however you feel most comfortable. The cards may be in an envelope or not but if you do place them in an envelope, I suggest leaving the envelope unsealed in case the staff needs to look at the cards before they are delivered.

Here are some guidelines to follow:

1- Try to stay away from “Get Well”. Unfortunately, some of the recipients of your cards will not get well and this message, while a positive one, can be hard for some.  Because we do not know specifically who will receive your cards, it’s a good idea to stay away from any type of “Get Well” messages.

2- “Thinking of You”, “Wishing You Well”, “You Are In Our Thoughts”, “Encouraging You Through Your Battle”, etc…are all great messages to include in your cards.

3- Uplifting quotes are always great!

4- Drawings without any message at all work too.

5- Try to stay gender and age neutral, as you do not know who will be receiving your cards.

6- It is asked that you include spiritjump.org somewhere in your card so that people who want to receive more cards know about our services.

7- Hospitals have asked that people not include religious messages in their cards.

8- Hospitals have also asked not to store cards in a home where someone smokes cigarettes and that they are kept in a smoke free environment.

I will be delivering the cards to the following institution on April 10, 2010:

Florida Hospital Flagler’s Cancer Institute
60 Memorial Medical Parkway
Palm Coast, FL 32164 | (386) 586-2000

My team name is simply “In Memory Of Dee Ruse”.

If you have any questions or you’re interested in donating a box of store bought cards, or if you would like to forward me your own handmade cards, please contact me at via email at pamelakapler@live.com. You can also become my team member.

I have contacted the principal of my son, Isaac’s school. His class and hopefully others will be participating in this project. Mr. Scardigno, his teacher, has graciously accepted and I thank him sincerely for this.

Thank you in advance!

Wordless Wednesday - Alice Is SO My Bitch!

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

Are you not leaping from your shower still half wet on March 5th to see what antics Mr. Depp gets himself into?

I haven't been this fascinated by a movie since Rob Zombie put his vision of Michael Myers on the big screen! 

Craving more Wordless Wednesday posts? 5 Minutes For Mom has you covered!

Y'all, I was THIS close to being more "wordless" than usual! Almost.

Post-It Note Tuesday

 

  

  

  

 

Total Randomness

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers regarding yesterday's post. It really means a lot to me and my family.

On Friday, my mind was completely blanked out. Damn writer's block finally poked its ugly head through my window and I wanted to pull the wild card on its ass, call it an intruder and pull the trigger. Didn't work. It's sort of still lingering with me today. So I thought I would throw out complete randomness and see where it goes!

I'm completely considering going into my office bathroom, taking my underwear off, throwing it in the trash, and going commando for the rest of the day. Yes, it's that uncomfortable. Do you ever save articles of clothing because "someday" it could fit better? Thing is, they're too big. I wore them during my pregnancy and stretched them out. I saved them because they're the pretty Victoria's Secret ones. They will not survive this day, mark my word!

Just got off the phone with my primary care doctor's nurse. I left a message earlier to see if I could be fit in this afternoon because I have a raging earache.The bitch calls me back at 9:15am and asks if I could be there at 9:45am. I'm all, that's in half an hour. I asked if someone else could see me. She goes on to tell me how all the doctor's have their own schedule and they are booked, could I wait until tomorrow? I'm all, no I've been waiting for "today" since Saturday. That's why I asked if I could be "fit in" this afternoon! It's not that complicated. She said to come by at 1:00pm and that I may have to wait. I'm all, yeah that's what fitting someone in means you dumb shit!

On Friday at lunch I had some errands to run over my lunch hour. On my way to grab some food my gas light goes on. This sucks because you know, there's never a gas station in sight when you need one! I pulled into one and what do you know, a line. I got behind the shortest line where I wouldn't have to get fancy with pulling this way and that to get to a pump where my tank was when it was my turn. Just about everyone at the pumps were inside paying with cash. So I had to wait for them to prepay, pump and then go back inside to get change. Seriously? Then I remember where I'm at. The ghetto of Daytona Beach. Nowadays, there should be a cash only section of pumps and a credit/debit card section of pumps. Get this though... I get tired of waiting and see another gas station across the street, no line! I drive over and swipe the 'ole card when the message "See Cashier" appears. Karma is a bitch isn't she? I ended up going inside with my card so the dude could turn my pump on, go back out to pump, then go back inside to sign the receipt. Same as cash. Bastards... I miss New Jersey where they pump the gas for you and you just hold the money out the window.

On Saturday it was nice enough to get the kids out of the house. My little guy hadn't yet been to the park so we hit up the swing. Check this video out. I got a kick out of the angle so his chubby cheeked head was coming right at me:

 

Did you happen to take note of the Pez dispenser he has in his hand? Some kids have blankets or stuffed animals that they take wherever they go. My kid has a Pez dispenser. I am so in love with this child...

A Loss

The cancer took over her body. She fought an incredible battle. It is a loss like no other.

I've never seen her frown, only with smiles. She was always so full of passion, life was her thing. She had found her true love. Seeing the two of them together could take your breath away. Such kindness. Such care. Such loyalty.

We shared an inside joke her and I. Each July 4th we had a barbecue. The menu never changed. It was always grilled Italian sausage with peppers and onions. On this particular occasion, many years ago, she was amidst a conversation with a friend's wife in the kitchen. This friend's wife barely spoke English. She was determined to make her feel welcome and warm. She was so enveloped in this task that quite a few moments into cooking the peppers and onions, she began to wonder why they were taking so long to reach that state of "just so". Turned out she had forgotten to turn the burner on. I happened to be in the kitchen when she noticed. We laughed. And we continued to laugh each year when it became time to cook the sausage, peppers, and onions once again. Now, each time I recreate this dish I'll know she will be looking down upon me with that most electrifying laugh of hers, which defined her.

You are free of pain now Aunt Dee.

My husband is in Tampa right now waiting for the next family member to arrive so our Uncle Butch won't be alone and he can come home to us. Poor Uncle Butch. We wrap you in love from afar. We pray for your heartache to heal. You too are free from the pain now.

Writer's Workshop - A Picture Story (there might be talk of placenta involved!)

It's Writer's Workshop day! Mama Kat has been kind again this week. I've been wanting to write this story for some time now.

Prompt 3 - Open your picture folders…find a random “February” picture from a past year and tell a story.

When I was pregnant I came across this wicked cool website, Pikistrips and was able to log my baby belly growth. I love that I have this!

So the last frame here, 35 weeks, was somewhere in the beginning of February of 2009. Once the 38 week mark came around, like any other very pregnant woman I performed every old wives tale remedy to get that baby out! I ended up in labor and delivery twice, both times I was sent home empty handed.

I continued to go to work everyday. It made the time pass a little bit quicker. One particular day, I went to lunch with some friends. I had the most kick-ass cheeseburger known to man, complete with onions. It was worth the bad breath and nasty taste from every burp thereafter, trust me. On the walk back to work (this place is right across the street on the river) I started to feel some pain. I brushed it off. It couldn't be labor pains because duh, this kid was never. coming. out. This was around 1:00pm.

An hour later give or take, I was squatting in the kitchen at my office trying to make these pains go away that came like every five minutes or so. Again, it's not labor! I'm not getting sent home again damn it!

By 3:00pm I was on my way home. The pain was causing me to scream out. It would pass and then come back. Holy shit. I think I might be in labor!

I got home pretty quick and when my husband greeted me at the door I immediately ran inside and squatted and screamed in pain. Still, I didn't know if this was a trick. So we hung out for a while. My husband took out the trash and consoled me here and there. I remember being in the bathroom at one point, getting up from the toilet when I felt yuckiness creeping out. I'm all, I think my water just broke!!! But it was blood. This made it real.

We got our stuff and I got into the backseat. I should say that during each contraction, I wasn't able to move. I could only breathe. And yell. I was good at yelling. I was holding onto the seat belt and pulling it with every contraction. There were illegal turns occurring everywhere! We seriously made it to the hospital in five minutes flat. And we were in the midst of Bike Week in Daytona Beach!

We pulled into the emergency room ambulance area. I got into a wheelchair and we went up to admissions. What? You really need me to fill out this fucking card again? The same card I fucking filled out twice already? My husband was all, babe what's your social security number? And I'm all 147-KISS-MY-ASS! He had to duck out to legally park the car and this poor, defenseless boy employed by the hospital was special enough to push my wheelchair up to labor and delivery. We were going to become besties in the elevator. I was really nice to him. I forewarned him when I was about to scream and everything. I'm nice like that...

When we got to the right floor the poor kid was sweating. The nurses tried to coax me into the bed mid-contraction. Remember, I couldn't move, I could only scream. I remember a particularly big contraction winding down when I was told I had to put on one of their sexy gowns. I obliged. Fast because I knew that retched pain was about to make a comeback. I had a sports bra on and asked if that needed to come off as well. It did. I tore it off, slipped on the gown and got into the bed. There should be an Olympics event for this shit, really! That poor kid who took me upstairs? He was off to the side completely speechless trying wholeheartedly to get the fuck out of there as fast as possible. But I think I stunned him with my awesomeness. That or he was completely embarrassed. Whatever. I guess he couldn't leave without the wheelchair.

The hubs made it back in time for the nurse to yell that I was at 8 centimeters and to go ahead and admit me. The fuck? Did she really think my ass was walking out of there today without first pushing the placenta out so hard it got into her hair? Yeah, no!

There were like thirty-eight six people in the room! Between contractions, I apologized for yelling. I also apologized for my stank onion breath from lunch. They didn't seem to mind... or they were scared. Whichever.

I got to 10 centimeters in like, fifteen minutes but I was told to "hold on". Yeah, the doctor wasn't there. Are you kidding me? Am I being Punked here? That didn't last. One of the residents came in and was good enough to catch the kid as he came out. I was doing all the work after all.

Fast forward to a bit after 5:30pm and I pushed my baby Xavier out in three pushes. No pain meds. All adrenaline. I fucking rocked it.

 (my 3 boys, technically this was 3/2/2009, don't tell)

Come join in on the happenings!! We have cookies. Well, not really just a lot of snarky women!

Wordless Wednesday - Part Deux CAKE!

 

I think the theme for today is "I love my husband so much, I decided to pick on him a little bit further and add another post about how I antagonize him!!". Last night, he was at school. Around 9-ish, I hacked into some tasty Pepperidge Farm Coconut 3-Layer Cake. This is his most prized dessert. So I snapped this photo and sent it to his phone. It read, "What now????" 

What? You only noticed the Christmas plate I ate if from? Bitches...

Love you babe!

Click it, you know you want to: 5 Minutes For Mom

Wordless Wednesday - Something that gets under the husband's skin!!

 

 

 

I got this moon shaped pillow for nursing after giving birth to my third son. The hospital gave it to me for free.  FREE! My husband loathes this thing. I've never understood why. It's not like I have a giant Boppy or My Breast Friend (it's totally called that, for real and stuff) pillow sitting around on the couch day in and day out. This thing takes up minimal space. 

Okay, the kicker here is I don't nurse anymore. I quit a bit over a week ago (my boobs still hurt like a freaking bitch!). The hubs has a quota to meet each month I think with asking me if I'm done with the pillow already and can he throw it away?! I continue to say no. There's always an excuse. This week I'm going with, "The baby totally rests his head on it while he practices holding his own bottle!". And well, the baby does do that but he doesn't need to use this particular pillow. 

It's old now. It's falling apart. It's probably time to lay it to rest. But I'm having way too much fun keeping it around. I'm completely screwed now by the way. The husband reads this. Wish I could be there when he does.... I'm SO funny! Tomorrow is totally garbage day. Tonight is the viewing if you're interested in stopping by!

Hit up  5 Minutes For Mom for more "Wordless" Wednesday action!

Post It Note Tuesday - Someone Feed Me Already!!

I had a less than perfect experience while dining out last night. We have been eating in lately to save the fundage so when it was suggested we eat elsewhere, who was I to argue?

 

  

  

Okay so I haven't eaten breakfast yet. I didn't mean to get carried away with a food theme. But someone needed to address these matters!

Awesomeness resides with me!

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. We don't do Valentine's Day. In lieu of that, I wrote the most awesome poem. Once you read it, you'll be all, "Dude, awesomeness just grazed my eyes and I'll never see the same again!". I promise.

xo ~ An Ode To A Most Tremendous Hubs ~ xo

Roses have to be red,

...because they look too funny when blue!

You are my most favoritist Dick Lord,

...even when you appear to not have a clue!

I may not always show my love,

...but I promise it is always there!

Even when you feel the need to pee in front of me,

...like it it some kind of dare!

I love you the most,

...when the unicorn horn is absent from your ass!

Your ability to laugh at my witty humor,

...is always a blast!

To my dearest douche-bag,

...nobody else can compare!

I love you all the way to Texas,

...and I know you will always be there!

Love, The Wifey

xo

Right?

I'm Featured on Aiming Low's Three Day Weekend!

So you know about Aiming Low, right?! They are so all about taking low to new heights.... And guess what? I'm featured over there RIGHT. NOW. Click on over and read (or reread) my post about cake gone awry! Seriously, what are you still doing here?

For the occasion I dyed my hair last night and am having a fabulous hair day today! If you've been with me all week, you know how I'm in the works of drying up my breast milk, so I even took the cabbage leaves out of my bra before starting this blog entry. This is what I looked like when the vegetables were still IN my bra:

Do you see all the lumps? That's hot right? You're welcome!

Anyhow, I'm really excited about this and want to blast out of the roof with comments. This is the exact post that made me decide how much better off I am being funny than anything otherwise. So this is me patting myself on the back. I'm so fucking awesome!

Writer's Workshop - Interview with the "LOST" Island!

You totally thought I was going to write "Interview with the Vampire", I know you did! I'm way more original than that....

So it's Wednesday. You know what that means. Mama Kat tossed out some possible assignments and I picked one and wrote. At first, I leaned toward describing my worst winter weather story but let's face it. There are snow storms brewing up across the States right now and I just didn't want to tell another one about that.... I have to say though, my story where I lived in an apartment who claimed "No tools needed to live here!" when the biggest storm in forever (or like, years) made its way into Denver and I had to use a fucking dustpan to dig my car out because HELLO, no. tools. needed. to. live. here. Douches....

 Ahem!! Back on track.... Instead I decided to interview the celebrity of my choice. You're all a fan of the show LOST right? Well get this shit, I got together with the fracking island itself and we had it out. All your juiciest questions have been answered! Well, sort of....

I give you: The Interview with the "LOST" Island! (I must warn you, he's kind of shy and soft spoken.)

Me: You’re an island. A body of land in the middle of the ocean (in case you didn’t fully grasp the concept). Where do these healing and life extension properties come from? John Locke can walk for Christ’s sake and don’t even get me started with Richard Alpert’s appearance! The man looks fantastic for being like, I don’t know, decades old… You seem to have a “click” you belong to though because you don’t heal everyone. The fuck is going on there?!

Island: ...

Me: What’s with the fucking polar bears?

Island: ....

Me: Let’s talk about this so-called monster. I hear the noise it makes stems from what a taxi receipt printer sounds like. How is it that you know what a taxi receipt printer sounds like and why would you want to replicate that?

Island: .....

Me: I think the monster kind of scares your audience. Not me. I get all giddy inside when that black smoke makes an appearance. Like, ooooooh, who is going down this time?! I realize this isn’t really a question, but more of a random statement…. Work with me here!

Island: ......

Me: How did it make you feel when the survivors of the crash played golf upon you? Is this the reasoning behind the black smoke monster? Did they stir up some bad shit and that’s why the monster is so un-freaking-predictable?

Island: .......

Me: What’s the deal with Benjamin Linus? I have to admit, one week I hate the bastard and the next, I’m laughing hysterically at his words an actions. When is someone going to man up and take this dick lord down for good with a coconut to the head?

Island: ........

Me: How do you keep yourself hidden from the rest of the world? Do you find it gives you sex appeal?

Island: .........

Me: Okay, getting off track here a bit…. You have so many people residing on you who, let’s face it… don’t shower. It must smell like a unicorn’s ass! How do you deal with this? Wait that must be what the polar bears are doing! Eating the smelly bastards who you just can’t stand any longer… I'm catching on to you mother fucker!

Island: ..........

Me: Look dude, I could ramble on all day. People are too scared to ask the questions that really matter. I am not one of them. But alas, your silence is pissing me off and I’m pretty sure I have an episode of Nip/Tuck waiting for me on my DVR. Now there’s a show that never gets off track… 

Wordless Wednesday - White Trash Edition

Want to see the view from my front window? 

I went ahead and covered up the actual house because I'm all neighborly like that. 

Okay so check it out. There's a minimum of a dozen people living here, I shit you not. The driveway has 4-6 vehicles parked in it at all times. One of these vehicles has cinder blocks behind the wheels because it's a shit box and it doesn't even get driven, OH... and they don't even have the common courtesy to park the fucking thing straight, it's in there at an angle. By sundown, there's also vehicles parked on the lawn. 

SIDE NOTE - On Thanksgiving I posted my status something like: You might be a redneck if you arrive to your sister's house for Thanksgiving dinner in a Budget rental truck. True story! 

Notice the fact that there is not one, but two basketball hoops? It wouldn't be so bad if they were located say, in the driveway (but alas, there is no room because of all the vehicles parked there!!!). Nope.... Where you see them is where they remain. Oh yes, they play basketball ON. THE. FRONT. LAWN.

There's something extra special in this photograph. Yes there are baseball bats, big wheels, bicycles, and other various items strewn about. However, the king cheese which stands out is a brand new edition.... The toy box!! Isn't it lovely? There is sits in the pathway leading up to the front door. But wait, that's not all! (Did you just think in your head, you'll get not ONE but TWO Shamwows if you call in the next ten minutes... We can't do this ALL day afterall!) What's that next to the toy box? Yes folks, that's a potted plant. Like, did they think the potted plant to be camouflage for the toy box? "Perhaps if I put this potted plant right here next to the toy box (IN. MY. FRONT. YARD.) the neighbors will be all, how nice... a potted plant!" Instead of, "The fuck? Is that a toy box?". Yeah... No!

I totally wish the garage door was open when I was secretly snapping these photos from my kitchen window (you have to plan ahead for Wordless Wednesday!) because it contains floor to ceiling boxes. It's like these people know how white trash they are and don't even unpack because their eviction notice is coming any moment now.

That's all for this, the White Trash Edition of Wordless Wednesday. It wouldn't have been as much fun if I remained "wordless" this week. What? Oh shut the fuck up... I know I'm never actually wordless....

Are you shaking with anticipation to read more Wordless Wednesday posts? Relax y'all, just go on over and visit 5 Minutes for Mom. There's tons more going on!

Until next week.... I bid you farewell!!!

Post It Note Tuesday - - Who needs implants when you have breasts the size of bowling balls?!

It's Post It Note Tuesday. I'm in waaaaaaaay too much pain today to come up with a witty introduction! (By the way, "witty" is like my favorite word and I can totally see my husband's eyes rolling when he reads this....) Read on to feel the source of my agony!

 

 

 

 

 

And now a joke to make up for my lack of wittiness (there's that word again *giggle*)...

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath...
 

Boy: Mom, are these  my brains?
Mom: Not yet!