Gray patch

I think I have a problem. The moment I'm feeling "off" I automatically point fingers at my medication. Can someone take medication for over a month's time and feel completely normal one day and then the exact opposite the next? Is that possible? Am I just looking for an outlet when I'm in a bad mood and simply say that it must be the PPD coming into play?

I was in the gray on Saturday. In the morning I was able to get some things done. There were a lot of mundane tasks to be completed at home this weekend and I found myself napping with the baby rather than going grocery shopping or hanging pictures on our bare walls (we moved into this house at the end of May!). I had a headache and was really feeling overall rather shitty. The boys got clean sheets on Saturday and that's the extent of it. The food I took out to cook was still frozen and so we ate out. This meant Sunday's list of things to do was tremendous. Most of it got done (not the hanging of the pictures) but I didn't finish until 9:30pm, just in time to lay down with Xavier for the night. I was slowed down by a really bad stomach ache for a while too! Whew! I'm exhausted.

I never used to be a procrastinator. WTF happened?

On top of being in this shade of gray this weekend... I'm having a hard time looking in the mirror these days. Prepregnancy, I ate rather healthy and worked out at least five days per week. I made the attempt to continue working out during my pregnancy (and was somewhat successful) but often times gave into my cravings (okay, most of the time, are you happy now?). Time is not on my side these days with an infant in the house. I'd love nothing more than to work out most days (I'd settle for three days per week!). My scale isn't working right now so I don't know how up there my weight is. I was ten pounds from my prepregnancy weight within two months or so of having my baby. I'm so unmotivated for just about everything these days!

Another problem is my lack of "girl" friends. All the people I know don't live in the same state as me! If I had someone to kick me in the ass every now and again, maybe I wouldn't be in such a slump. My husband is fabulous of course, telling me constantly that I'm being too hard on myself and that I look good, etc. I have a hard time taking compliments when I know I don't look how I want to. If I had a few extra dollars it wouldn't be so bad, I could spend a bit and get some clothes that fit my new frame until I'm able to get back in the swing. I have a hard time with putting on clothes that are just a bit snug in all the wrong places. Some days you just have to face the inevitable I suppose.

How DO we do it?

Parenting in itself is hard. Really hard! I'm talking about the feeding, clothing, bathing, homework, extra curricular activities, birthday parties, sleep overs, monitoring friends... all that! But that's just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it? It's endless!

This morning I woke up to Isaac (my fifth grader) who was having trouble breathing. Here I am running around the house trying to get everything in order, quickly, because I forgot to set my alarm the night before and woke up late (with every child you have as a woman, the brain tends to reeeeaaaallly slow down on the remembering aspect!). Isaac seemed like he's having an asthma attack but he also had a sore throat. It's the fourth day of school, do we keep him home, go to the ER, make a doctor's appointment, what? I ended up taking him to work with me and going to the doctor mid morning. I gave him some puffs off his inhaler and over time, he had seemed better. He's back at school now because the doctor said he was okay, he just needed to use his inhaler for a few days every 6 or so hours and his nebulizer also if we thought it would be necessary. I'm telling you, the kids go back to school and instantaneously the sickness is back in circulation. Swine Flu beware!

These are the instances I'm talking about. It's hard enough to plan ahead, to just the next day, let alone have curve balls thrown your way and BAM! The inning is ruined. As parents, we have to act fast. We may not always make the right decisions (isn't that why we have multiple children? The first one is just practice, right?) but we have to make decisions on the fly, nonetheless.

All the reading in the world cannot fully prepare you for the overtime job of being a parent. It's the most rewarding job there is (anyone care to argue?). You'll never get promoted. Some days you won't get to shower. Every now and again you'll ask yourself if you ate yet today, at 11:38pm! Yet, parenting is the best paid job there is, isn't it? You get to bring this small person into the world, watch him learn to be human and grow up to become something, all with your influences, and possible bad habits, backing him up all the way.

I'm exhausted. I'm medicated (and doing fabulous, except for the remembering part). I love being a mother. I love being a wife. And I love everything that comes with it!

My magic number seems to be 100

Yes, I've finally found my magic number; in milligrams. It's 100! Zoloft and I are now proudly walking together, hand in hand, at 100mg per day!

I don't know if gradually going from 50-->75 -->100 was the right way to go about it. I like to think I know my body better than anyone else and so I treated her such. I was super concerned that the couch and I were going to be best buds again this weekend, like last weekend, when I upped the Zoloft for the final time. The couch and I did not become one, much to my surprise. I actually was so full of energy and life this weekend! I cleaned the house (it had been a while), did so much laundry I lost count (that's what happens when kids go on vacation, mountains of clothes are created), I put all my shoes in my bedroom closet (removed from the baby's room, he's not sleeping in there just yet), went grocery shopping (with all three boys), made dinner (yummy fajita beef and peppers over no yolk noodles), renamed my blog (I wasn't feeling creative when I initially signed on for this), and had a really nice time doing all of it!

So there you go. I was against medication in the beginning. Admitting I had a problem made me feel like a failure as a new mom. A lot of new moms feel like that and go untreated. I'd like to shout from the rooftops that you shouldn't feel so shitty after bringing new life into the world (well, aside from sitting funny for a few weeks).

Take your meds ladies and the people close to you will thank you!

Coupons anyone?

This morning I was checking out my daily emails from CafeMom and there was a post asking what sites people used for coupons. I thought it would be nice to share with people outside of CafeMom as well:

www.coupons.com and www.redplum.com are fantastic. The coupons you'll receive after signing up with these sites are for $1 off or more. The really outstanding thing about coupons.com is that the site figures out what your likes and dislikes are and you'll get sent coupons based on what you "clip". Both are super easy so enjoy!

All coupons still have expiration dates so only "clip" if you plan on using before then. You can only "clip" 3-4 of the same product coupon per month (yes, the coupons are THAT great!). So don't be greedy!

Another handy dandy tip is to sign up with the sites from two separate emails so you can get multiple coupons for the same products. Groceries are getting really expensive and it's the one thing I refuse to be frugal with. You can't replace the family meal, especially at my house, we get pretty goofy.

Go ahead and say it now, I'm pretty cool, huh?

The DVR percentage is so high because of this...

The kid has a really loud voice! Isaac is in the background making the same sort of noise and Xavier is mimicking him. Whenever Eric and I attempt to watch a show or a movie from our DVR, Xavier kicks in full force with "talking" and we end up pausing what we're watching and/or constantly rewinding and rewatching. We always look at each other with that typical face, "What did he say, what just happened?" on whatever is on the tube. Recently I was watching an episode of Law and Order SVU when Eric came in the room. Xavier was belting out his greatest screams when Eric said, "Now you know why I can't watch anything during the day!" He's right. Kids are fun!

You Are My Sunshine - - OH, say it isn't so!

Time and time again I sing "You Are My Sunshine" to the baby when he's a bit on the cranky side. He adores music and the chorus to this song always made me smile. I ended up Googling the lyrics to the song and was horrified when I found out the song is basically about an individual who loses his/her lover to another:

--
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But now you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.
--

Now I've always been a person with a darker sense of humor but I'm going to have to come up with a different song! Luckily, my husband has discovered how much Xavier loves to hear "The Star Spangled Banner". It just wouldn't do to sing to him a song about some adulterous bitch!

To medicate or not?

I am utterly sick of feeling like shit. I have to be blunt about it otherwise, I wouldn't be true to my feelings here. Last week I saw the psychiatrist for a follow up visit for my meds. He's upped my dose of the Zoloft from 50mg per day to 100mg per day. When I first started taking the Zoloft to begin with, I felt like a zombie. I'm taking the pills every night at 9:30pm, figuring that it was close enough to when I go to bed anyhow. I swallow these pills and literally crash. I was finally coming to terms with the 50mg dose when Dr. Psych asked about my anxiety level. I'm still having some anxious feelings daily and turned away the Xanax prescription because of the amount that goes into my milk since I'm still nursing my baby. He thought it would be a good idea to up the dose to calm the anxiety. He did warn me that I could feel the side effects all over again. I took it upon myself to gradually ease into the increased dose. I've been taking 75mg since last Thursday and boy am I feeling it. All weekend, all I wanted to do (and did do) was lie on the couch. I was lucky to have gotten the grocery shopping done and one load of laundry (the boys needed boxers otherwise I wouldn't have done it at all!). I'm exhausted. The baby is having a weird "I want to wake up and chat" phase at 4am so it's just adding to the strain. What would have happened if I went straight to 100mg... or am I going about it all wrong? Maybe I should have gone straight to the new dose and dealt with the effects head-on.

The question I raise here is, is it really worth it? Millions of women go undiagnosed with their Postpartum Depression all the time and they get through it. Did I hate it when I would go from soaring laughter to a crying fit in a matter of seconds, hell yes! But do I hate living in a fog more? Absolutely. I'm considering coming off the meds. I take a lot of pills everyday for various reasons (thyroid, birth control, vitamin, Zoloft - - $40/month!). I have alarms set up on my phone so as not to forget to swallow them at the appropriate times. I'm fucking sick of feeling the way I feel. I don't spend as much time with my older boys because of it. My poor husband is basically my roommate right now, I went to give him a hug yesterday and he thought I was asking him for help to get up off the couch, OUCH! The only person who gets any attention anymore is the baby. Granted he's still new, five months old, but come on!

Three kids in and NOW I get the PPD? What the fuck? With the first two, I blinked and they were walking, smooth sailing all the way. Xavier comes along and I'm really digging this mom thing all over again. Really appreciating it, I mean it is ten years after I had my last one so I'm much more mature and patient.

So what does a girl do? Live like a creature out of the Thriller video in a haze... or... cry like a little bitch all day, everyday and appreciate what life has dealt me because, this too shall pass? It shouldn't be this hard.

One thing always leads to another and another and another

When you get pregnant, it's rare for other women to tell you what you're really about to endure. Sure, you hear about all the fun stuff but never about what your body will truly go through, which sometimes carries on for weeks at a time, or even longer. Luckily, there are so many great books and other information available today who deliver it to you, raw.

That aside, there are other things people don't tell you when you're baby is baking away. Things like thyroid problems. For instance, it's really common to develop hypothyroidism when pregnant and a good majority of women have thyroid problems for the rest of their lives. I'm probably one of them. Not that this is something which could have been avoided, it just would have been nice to know ahead of time what's to come.

Then there's the depression. I've been able to embrace the fact that I've got Postpartum Depression. It took about seven weeks to admit there was a real problem and contact my doctor for the medication. Today I bow down to the Zoloft maker Gods. It's remarkable what a little serotonin balancing can do for a girl with three kids under her belt. However, I had a follow up appointment with the 'ol psychiatrist today. We collectively decided to up the Zoloft dosage because I'm still experiencing anxiety at least one time per day. I waved the Xanax RX away because I'm still breastfeeding. Then I quietly ask him when he thought I could start to wean off the antidepressants. He basically said PPD is something that can cause long-term depression, for the rest of my life. The rest of my life? I'll be on the drugs for a minimum of six months to a year. Add that to the list of what you're not told when you want to reproduce spawn of your own.

Look, I understand natural childbirth is going to hurt like a son of a bitch. I understand the cramps that hurt like a bitch after giving birth. I understand the bleeding. I understand the severe exhaustion. There's a lot to understand here. What I don't understand is the shit you're not told, and I've been pregnant three times to full term. I'm pissed. It's a good thing I ran over to the store after my appointment and got some beer. When I put it in the refrigerator here at work, I was sure to announce "If anyone lays a finger on my beer I will break their hand!". Is it time to go home yet?

Growing up too quickly!

As a mother, I obsess about the milestones. Here's my little Xavier holding is bottle (bobby), filled with boob juice, all by himself. Granted, it fell out of his hands every 13 seconds and milk ended up all over the blanket beneath him, but nonetheless... he can hold things now! Last night he was hitting himself in the head with his rattle like a crazy person! He's officially five months old now as of yesterday! He's starting the babble talk "dadadadada". Soon enough I'll be wishing the words away just like when the other two began to speak, I'm sure of it. But for now, I'm eating it up. This kid rocks my world. Thank goodness for "surprises"!